Auntie Em's Den of Iniquity

Update on posting...umm...nothing.

2009-10-24T12:13:53Z

Hello all:

First of all, thanks again for the birhday wishes and truly inspiring pictures. Yowzah. You guys more than rock. You guys are the indestructible alloy that go on rockets.

I've shared with you all before that I've struggled with depression and there have been some pretty intense things that have been happening at work and home that have taken me out of my safe place. I want very badly to write and get some of these things out, but unfortunately the images I see aren't good and I just can't subject you all to that. I know, as a reader, I enjoy the angst to a certain degree, but I guess I just don't have to courage to face anything worse than what the original BBM story gave us. And well, real life, with regards to Heath. I regret, very much, that my absence has strained friendships that I've formed. I just want you to know I do keep my promises, and I know waiting most definitely sucks. But I'm OCD enough to absolutely finish what I start, no matter what.

That all said, life is actually pretty good right now. My medication is helping, my marriage is strong, I'm focusing on my health and I have an excellent support system that rallies around me at the drop of a hat. What's more, my hubby and I are going on a Southern Caribbean cruise in two weeks. Hopefully this will help me recharge the jets.

Well, that's all from Auntie Em. I treasure this journal so much, herein lies a triumphant world for me, thanks to all of you. I just want you all to know.

Much love....Auntie Em

Calendar Page

2009-08-03T11:59:20Z

Hello friends!

I know this journal has been dry, dry, dry. Kinda tells you where I'm at, to be honest. It's not a shortage of ideas...just time and energy that's causing the drought.

Anyways, just wanted to let y'all know I participated in the BBM Drabble Caledar and my month was August, so it's now posted. The amazing liseron provided the artwork. There are some truly excellent drabbles and artwork in the whole caledar, so please do check it out if you've missed it. Here's the link: http://community.livejournal.com/artsy_words/1985.html, just scroll down to August if you want to see my drabble. But don't forget to check out the other months and maybe send a pm or comment to let people know what you thought. :)

I miss you guys, and all my characters, written and unwritten. Sam talks to me regularly and says the darndest things! Please stay well and enjoy your summer.

Love, Auntie Em

Microfic - Round 10

2009-03-04T02:07:32Z

Genre/Rating: BBM, mostly Au!Au, R
Pairings: Jack/Ennis in The Dance and Bank Shot Universe.
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Notes: For those who have been following this...here's round 10. For those who haven't just keep reading and you'll figure it out. Basically I'm writing little bits ten words at a time. Eventually the dribbles will become drabbles. Also, for some reason my LJ cuts aren't working so I'm really sorry for spamming your inboxes.

So there you have it, folks, our little dribbles have come out of their cocoons and become full blown drabbles. *sniff* These dribbles just grow so fast, don't they? Thanks for playing along, it's been fun. Please see my longer note at the end...

Smut: (Bank Shot)

“Harder!”

“Shh! Stewardess is coming.”

“She ain’t the only one.”

“Not yet!”

“Oww! Handle with care!”

“Not coming without me!”

“Goddamn. Okay.” (with resignation) “Fix the blanket, then.”

“Shh! Or you’ll wake Sam.”

“Oops,” (wickedly) “I dropped something.”

“Better check under the blanket, then.”

“Mmm.”

“That’s right. In flight snack.”

“Goody. Cocktails and nuts.”

“Yes…just like that.”

(Suddenly the passenger beside them wakes up.)

“Is slurping quietly an option here?” (says Sam, the passenger)

“No!” (to the mound in the blanket) “Don’t stop!”

“Yes! No more slurping!” (says Sam)

“No! I’m gonna…”

Sam: “Eeew. Slurps sound better than swallows.”

(Jack sighs contentedly then grins at Sam, wiggling his eyebrows.) “ My turn to slurp.”

(Jack goes under the blanket and Ennis pops up for air.)

“Hey,” (to Sam) “You’re awake.”

“You think?”

“Sorry.”

“Riiight.” (glances down at action under blanket.) “Slurpy time again?”

Ennis: “Nope.” (groan.) “Swallow time.”

Sam: “Yuck!”

(Jack pops up from under the blanket)

Jack: “Nope, yum.”

(Sam makes gagging noises. Jack grin at each other contentedly, then shake hands.)

Jack & Ennis: Thank you, come again.

Hurt/Comfort: (Bank Shot)

“Next time, no soap.”

“You dropped it.”

“Fucking concussion….damn!”

“Better than a pulled groin.”

“Have you seen this goose-egg?”

“Can’t miss it, bud.”

“Well?”

“Rather that, than this.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Doc says no straining my groin for a week.”

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

“Damn.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Sorry I slipped.”

“Was the soap.”

“And because you were drilling me like an oil rig.”

“True that.”

“Freakin’ good angle, though.”

“Could be a personal best.”

“Oohhh, yeah. Didn’t know you were that flexible.”

“I’m not….that’s why I slipped!” (chuckles) “My life flashed before my eyes!”

“And?”

“Wouldn’t change a thing.”

(Share a kiss.) “Yeah…except…”

(In unison.) “No more soap!”

Fluff: (The Dance)

“Get your own bowl.”

“Wanna share.”

“Gimme the remote, then.”

“Nope.”

“Shit, Ennis.”

“And watch that dumb show all night?”

“Wanna see how Danny does.”

“One who lost his wife?”

“Yeah.”

“Good singer.”

“Seems to have a good heart, too.”

“Gotta good friend who stuck by him during rough times.”

“He does.” (gives Ennis a kiss.) “Reminds me of you.”

“Who? That young pup?”

“You gotta good heart too, Ennis, underneath all that rough.”

(Ennis fiddles with the popcorn bowl.) “Only you would say that.”

“Only you would let me.”

“You’re the real hero here. You never gave up. Never.”

(They kiss and things become heated.)

“What about your show?”

“Forget it. That’s what TIVO’s for. “

Unresolved Sexual Tension: (The Dance)

“Stop looking at me like that.”

(growls) “Better ride faster, cowboy.”
“Can’t. My cock’s too hard.”

“Take it out. Lemme see.”

“Here? Out in the open?

“I’ll take mine out, too.”

“Oh shit, look at you. Come closer…so I can…”

“You try anything, we’ll spook the horses for sure.”

“Damn.”

“Okay, I’ll be good. Just…closer… Please?” (Jack walks his horse slowly forward. He stops a foot away, his cock standing proudly.)

“Like this, Ennis?”

“Yeah, wonder if you taste as good as you look?”

(Groans) “You just gave me shit for looking at you funny!

(Ennis begins to walk his horse closer.)

“And what are you doing? You said you’d be good!”

“I lied.”

(Ennis brings his horse up along side Jack’s then leans forward, still astride his horse, to take Jack’s cock in his mouth.)

“Yep. Knew I could find your startle point.”

~ Finis ~

Friends:

Thanks for clamoring for more of the Bank Shot boys. I will confess, I'm facing a dilemma with that story because Sam has kind of become bigger than Jack and Ennis. It's kind of like Heath in The Dark Knight, he basically outshines everyone else. Don't give up, though, I am trying to see my way around this. Plus, I've seen the ending of that story, so, if nothing else, you'll eventually get a few chapters that will give you a conclusion. If you have any one-shot ideas for this story, I'd love to hear them!

Also, I was truly shocked when I accidentally forgot to unlock Round 6 and had people I never heard from before asking to be friended. I will reiterate that I have no intentions of ever locking my journal. However, you might want to friend me if you really do like my stuff because sometimes I don't post story updates on Brokebackslash. To be honest, often times if I only get a few comments on something, I kind of think it was a dud chapter and only my friends are reading my stuff and they're only doing that to be kind. So, if you're reading, you might want to let an author know you're reading, or tell them what you like or don't like. Believe me, I'm not saying this to pimp comments. I'm just saying, if I know there's an interest in something I'm writing, it keeps me motivated to continue. That being said, I appreciate all my readers, whether they comment or not. You're helping me live out a dream. Peace - Em

Microfic - Round 9

2009-03-04T02:03:51Z

Genre/Rating: BBM, mostly Au!Au, R
Pairings: Jack/Ennis in The Dance and Bank Shot Universe.
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.
Notes: For those who have been following this...here's round 9. *Sniff* Tomorrow's the last one. If you're just coming up to speed on this, basically I'm writing little bits ten words at a time. Eventually the dribbles will become drabbles. Also, for some reason my LJ cuts aren't working so I'm really sorry for spamming your inboxes. I hope you folks have your dribble bibs on....

Smut: (Bank Shot)

“Harder!”

“Shh! Stewardess is coming.”

“She ain’t the only one.”

“Not yet!”

“Oww! Handle with care!”

“Not coming without me!”

“Goddamn. Okay.” (with resignation) “Fix the blanket, then.”

“Shh! Or you’ll wake Sam.”

“Oops,” (wickedly) “I dropped something.”

“Better check under the blanket, then.”

“Mmm.”

“That’s right. In flight snack.”

“Goody. Cocktails and nuts.”

“Yes…just like that.”

(Suddenly the passenger beside them wakes up.)

“Is slurping quietly an option here?” (says Sam, the passenger)

“No!” (to the mound in the blanket) “Don’t stop!”

“Yes! No more slurping!” (says Sam)

“No! I’m gonna…”

“Eeew. Slurps sound better than swallows.”

(Jack sighs contentedly then grins at Sam, wiggling his eyebrows.) “ My turn to slurp.”

……..

(Jack goes under the blanket and Ennis pops up for air.)

“Hey,” (to Sam) “You’re awake.”

“You think?”

“Sorry.”

“Riiight.” (glances down at action under blanket.) “Slurpy time again?”

Hurt/Comfort: (Bank Shot)

“Next time, no soap.”

“You dropped it.”

“Fucking concussion….damn!”

“Better than a pulled groin.”

“Have you seen this goose-egg?”

“Can’t miss it, bud.”

“Well?”

“Rather that, than this.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Doc says no straining my groin for a week.”

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

“Damn.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Sorry I slipped.”

“Was the soap.”

“And because you were drilling me like an oil rig.”

“True that.”

“Freakin’ good angle, though.”

“Could be a personal best.”

“Oohhh, yeah. Didn’t know you were that flexible.”

“I’m not….”

……………………..

“That’s why I slipped!” (chuckles) “My life flashed before my eyes!”

Fluff: (The Dance)

“Get your own bowl.”

“Wanna share.”

“Gimme the remote, then.”

“Nope.”

“Shit, Ennis.”

“And watch that dumb show all night?”

“Wanna see how Danny does.”

“One who lost his wife?”

“Yeah.”

“Good singer.”

“Seems to have a good heart, too.”

“Gotta good friend who stuck by him during rough times.”

“He does.” (gives Ennis a kiss.) “Reminds me of you.”

“What? That young pup?”

“You gotta good heart too, Ennis, underneath all that rough.”

(Ennis fiddles with the popcorn bowl.) “Only you would say that.”

“Only you would let me.”

….

“You’re the real hero here. You never gave up. Never.”

Unresolved Sexual Tension: (The Dance)

“Stop looking at me like that.”

(growls) “Better ride faster, cowboy.”
“Can’t. My cock’s too hard.”

“Take it out. Lemme see.”

“Here? Out in the open?

“I’ll take mine out, too.”

“Oh shit, look at you. Come closer…so I can…”

“You try anything, we’ll spook the horses for sure.”

“Damn. Okay, I’ll be good. Just…closer… Please?” (Jack walks his horse slowly forward. He stops a foot away, his cock standing proudly.)

“Like this, Ennis?”

“Yeah, wonder if you taste as good as you look?”

(Groans) “You just gave me shit for looking at you funny!

----------------

(Ennis begins to walk his horse closer.)

“And what are you doing? You said you’d be good!”

TBC tomorrow...

Microfic - Round 8

2009-03-04T02:00:49Z

Genre/Rating: BBM, mostly Au!Au, R
Pairings: Jack/Ennis in The Dance and Bank Shot Universe.
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Notes: For those who have been following this...here's round 8...holy canoli, are we already at Round 8? Wow. If you're just coming up to speed on this, basically I'm writing little bits ten words at a time. Eventually the dribbles will become drabbles. Also, for some reason my LJ cuts aren't working so I'm really sorry for spamming your inboxes. Let the dribbling commence....

Smut: (Bank Shot)

“Harder!”

“Shh! Stewardess is coming.”

“She ain’t the only one.”

“Not yet!”

“Oww! Handle with care!”

“Not coming without me!”

“Goddamn. Okay.” (with resignation) “Fix the blanket, then.”

“Shh! Or you’ll wake Sam.”

“Oops,” (wickedly) “I dropped something.”

“Better check under the blanket, then.”

“Mmm.”

“That’s right. In flight snack.”

“Goody. Cocktails and nuts.”

“Yes…just like that.”

(Suddenly the passenger beside them wakes up.)

“Is slurping quietly an option here?” (says Sam, the passenger)

“No!” (to the mound in the blanket) “Don’t stop!”

“Yes! No more slurping!” (says Sam)

“No! I’m gonna…”

……………….

“Eeew. Slurps sound better than swallows.”

(Jack sighs contentedly then grins at Sam, wiggling his eyebrows.) “ My turn to slurp.”

Hurt/Comfort: (Bank Shot)

“Next time, no soap.”

“You dropped it.”

“Fucking concussion….damn!”

“Better than a pulled groin.”

“Have you seen this goose-egg?”

“Can’t miss it, bud.”

“Well?”

“Rather that, than this.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Doc says no straining my groin for a week.”

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

“Damn.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Sorry I slipped.”

“Was the soap.”

“And because you were drilling me like an oil rig.”

“True that.”

“Freakin’ good angle, though.”

“Could be a personal best.”

…………………..

“Oohhh, yeah. Didn’t know you were that flexible.”

“I’m not….”

……….

Fluff: (The Dance)

“Get your own bowl.”

“Wanna share.”

“Gimme the remote, then.”

“Nope.”

“Shit, Ennis.”

“And watch that dumb show all night?”

“Wanna see how Danny does.”

“One who lost his wife?”

“Yeah.”

“Good singer.”

“Seems to have a good heart, too.”

“Gotta good friend who stuck by him during rough times.”

“He does.” (gives Ennis a kiss.) “Reminds me of you.”

“What? That young pup?”

“You gotta good heart too, Ennis, underneath all that rough.”

………..

(Ennis fiddles with the popcorn bowl.) “Only you would say that.”

“Only you would let me.”

Unresolved Sexual Tension: (The Dance)

“Stop looking at me like that.”

(growls) “Better ride faster, cowboy.”
“Can’t. My cock’s too hard.”

“Take it out. Lemme see.”

“Here? Out in the open?

“I’ll take mine out, too.”

“Oh shit, look at you. Come closer…so I can…”

“You try anything, we’ll spook the horses for sure.”

“Damn. Okay, I’ll be good. Just…closer… Please?” (Jack walks his horse slowly forward. He stops a foot away, his cock standing proudly.)

“Like this, Ennis?”

“Yeah, wonder if you taste as good as you look?”

……………..

(Groans) “You just gave me shit for looking at you funny!

TBC tomorrow

Microfic - Round 7

2009-03-04T01:55:02Z

Genre/Rating: BBM, mostly Au!Au, R
Pairings: Jack/Ennis in The Dance and Bank Shot Universe.
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Notes: For those who have been following this...here's round 7. For those who haven't just keep reading and you'll figure it out. Basically I'm writing little bits ten words at a time. Eventually the dribbles will become drabbles. Also, for some reason my LJ cuts aren't working so I'm really sorry for spamming your inboxes. I hope you enjoy today's dribble selection....

Smut: (Bank Shot)

“Harder!”

“Shh! Stewardess is coming.”

“She ain’t the only one.”

“Not yet!”

“Oww! Handle with care!”

“Not coming without me!”

“Goddamn. Okay.” (with resignation) “Fix the blanket, then.”

“Shh! Or you’ll wake Sam.”

“Oops,” (wickedly) “I dropped something.”

“Better check under the blanket, then.”

“Mmm.”

“That’s right. In flight snack.”

“Goody. Cocktails and nuts.”

“Yes…just like that.”

(Suddenly the passenger beside them wakes up.)

“Is slurping quietly an option here?” (says Sam, the passenger)

……………..

“No!” (to the mound in the blanket) “Don’t stop!”

“Yes! No more slurping!” (says Sam)

“No! I’m gonna…”

Hurt/Comfort: (Bank Shot)

“Next time, no soap.”

“You dropped it.”

“Fucking concussion….damn!”

“Better than a pulled groin.”

“Have you seen this goose-egg?”

“Can’t miss it, bud.”

“Well?”

“Rather that, than this.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Doc says no straining my groin for a week.”

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

“Damn.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Sorry I slipped.”

“Was the soap.”

“And because you were drilling me like an oil rig.”

….

“True that.”

“Freakin’ good angle, though.”

“Could be a personal best.”

-------------------------------------------------------

Fluff: (The Dance)

“Get your own bowl.”

“Wanna share.”

“Gimme the remote, then.”

“Nope.”

“Shit, Ennis.”

“And watch that dumb show all night?”

“Wanna see how Danny does.”

“One who lost his wife?”

“Yeah.”

“Good singer.”

“Seems to have a good heart, too.”

“Gotta good friend who stuck by him during rough times.”

“He did.” (gives Ennis a kiss.) “Reminds me of you.”

“What? That young pup?”

…………

“You gotta good heart too, Ennis, underneath all that rough.”

Unresolved Sexual Tension: (The Dance)

“Stop looking at me like that.”

(growls) “Better ride faster, cowboy.”
“Can’t. My cock’s too hard.”

“Take it out. Lemme see.”

“Here? Out in the open?

“I’ll take mine out, too.”

“Oh shit, look at you. Come closer…so I can…”

“You try anything, we’ll spook the horses for sure.”

“Damn.”

“Okay, I’ll be good. Just…closer… Please?” (Jack walks his horse slowly forward. He stops a foot away, his cock standing proudly.)

“Like this, Ennis?”

……………

“Yeah, wonder if you taste as good as you look?”

TBC tomorrow

Microfic - Round 6

2009-03-04T01:52:49Z

Genre/Rating: BBM, mostly Au!Au, R
Pairings: Jack/Ennis in The Dance and Bank Shot Universe.
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Notes: For those who have been following this...here's round 6. For those who haven't just keep reading and you'll figure it out. Basically I'm writing little bits ten words at a time. Eventually the dribbles will become drabbles.

Oops, I forgot to unlock this Thursday night so I guess the double dribble is coming today. Sorry....

Smut: (Bank Shot)

“Harder!”

“Shh! Stewardess is coming.”

“She ain’t the only one.”

“Not yet!”

“Oww! Handle with care!”

“Not coming without me!”

“Goddamn. Okay.” (with resignation) “Fix the blanket, then.”

“Shh! Or you’ll wake Sam.”

“Oops,” (wickedly) “I dropped something.”

“Better check under the blanket, then.”

“Mmm.”

“That’s right. In flight snack.”

“Goody. Cocktails and nuts.”

……….

“Yes…just like that.”

(Suddenly the passenger beside them wakes up.)

“Is slurping quietly an option here?” (says Sam, the passenger)

Hurt/Comfort: (Bank Shot)

“Next time, no soap.”

“You dropped it.”

“Fucking concussion….damn!”

“Better than a pulled groin.”

“Have you seen this goose-egg?”

“Can’t miss it, bud.”

“Well?”

“Rather that, than this.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Doc says no straining my groin for a week.”

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

“Damn.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Sorry I slipped.”

“Was the soap.”

……..

“And because you were drilling me like an oil rig.”

Fluff: (The Dance)

“Get your own bowl.”

“Wanna share.”

“Gimme the remote, then.”

“Nope.”

“Shit, Ennis.”

“And watch that dumb show all night?”

“Wanna see how Danny does.”

“One who lost his wife?”

“Yeah.”

“Good singer.”

“Seems to have a good heart, too.”

“Gotta good friend who stuck by him during rough times.”

…………………

“He does.” (gives Ennis a kiss.) “Reminds me of you.”

“What? That young pup?”

Unresolved Sexual Tension: (The Dance)

“Stop looking at me like that.”

(growls) “Better ride faster, cowboy.”
“Can’t. My cock’s too hard.”

“Take it out. Lemme see.”

“Here? Out in the open?

“I’ll take mine out, too.”

“Oh shit, look at you. Come closer…so I can…”

“You try anything, we’ll spook the horses for sure.”

“Damn.”

………….

“Okay, I’ll be good. Just…closer… Please?” (Jack walks his horse slowly forward. He stops a foot away, his cock standing proudly.)

“Like this, Ennis?”

……………

Microfic - Round 5

2009-03-04T01:49:10Z

Genre/Rating: BBM, mostly Au!Au, R
Pairings: Jack/Ennis in The Dance and Bank Shot Universe.
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Notes: For those who have been following this...here's round 5. For those who haven't just keep reading and you'll figure it out. Basically I'm writing little bits ten words at a time. Eventually the dribbles will become drabbles. Also, for some reason my LJ cuts aren't working so I'm really sorry for spamming your inboxes. Here's today's dribble du jour.

Smut: (Bank Shot)

“Harder!”

“Shh! Stewardess is coming.”

“She ain’t the only one.”

“Not yet!”

“Oww! Handle with care!”

“Not coming without me!”

“Goddamn. Okay.” (with resignation) “Fix the blanket, then.”

“Shh! Or you’ll wake Sam.”

“Oops,” (wickedly) “I dropped something.”

“Better check under the blanket, then.”

………

“Mmm.”

“That’s right. In flight snack.”

“Goody. Cocktails and nuts.”

……….

Hurt/Comfort: (Bank Shot)

“Next time, no soap.”

“You dropped it.”

“Fucking concussion….damn!”

“Better than a pulled groin.”

“Have you seen this goose-egg?”

“Can’t miss it, bud.”

“Well?”

“Rather that, than this.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Doc says no straining my groin for a week.”

……..

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

“Damn.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Sorry I slipped.”

“Was the soap.”

Fluff: (The Dance)

“Get your own bowl.”

“Wanna share.”

“Gimme the remote, then.”

“Nope.”

“Shit, Ennis.”

“And watch that lame show all night?”

“Wanna see how Danny does.”

“One who lost his wife?”

“Yeah.”

“Good singer.”

“Seems to have a good heart, too.”

……………

“Gotta good friend who stuck by him during rough times.”

Unresolved Sexual Tension: (The Dance)

“Stop looking at me like that.”

(growls) “Better ride faster, cowboy.”
“Can’t. My cock’s too hard.”

“Take it out. Lemme see.”

“Here? Out in the open?

“I’ll take mine out, too.”

“Oh shit, look at you. Come closer…so I can…”

……………

“You try anything, we’ll spook the horses for sure.”

“Damn.”

………….

Microfic - Round 4

2009-03-03T12:13:43Z

Genre/Rating: BBM, mostly Au!Au, R
Pairings: Jack/Ennis in The Dance and Bank Shot Universe.
Notes: For those who have been following this...here's round 3. For those who haven't just keep reading and you'll figure it out. Basically I'm writing little bits ten words at a time. Eventually the dribbles will become drabbles. Have a good day!

Smut: (Bank Shot)

“Harder!”

“Shh! Stewardess is coming.”

“She ain’t the only one.”

“Not yet!”

“Oww! Handle with care!”

“Not coming without me!”

“Goddamn. Okay.” (with resignation) “Fix the blanket, then.”

“Shh! Or you’ll wake Sam.”

……………

“Oops,” (wickedly) “I dropped something.”

“Better check under the blanket, then.”

Hurt/Comfort: (Bank Shot)

“Next time, no soap.”

“You dropped it.”

“Fucking concussion….damn!”

“Better than a pulled groin.”

“Have you seen this goose-egg?”

“Can’t miss it, bud.”

“Well?”

“Rather that, than this.”

………

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Doc says no straining my groin for a week.”

Fluff: (The Dance)

“Get your own bowl.”

“Wanna share.”

“Gimme the remote, then.”

“Nope.”

“Shit, Ennis.”

“And watch that dumb show all night?”

“Wanna see how Danny does.”

“One who lost his wife?”

…………………

“Yeah.”

“Good singer.”

“Seems to have a good heart, too.”

Unresolved Sexual Tension: (The Dance)

“Stop looking at me like that.”

(growls) “Better ride faster, cowboy.”
“Can’t. My cock’s too hard.”

“Take it out. Lemme see.”

“Here? Out in the open?

“I’ll take mine out, too.”

………..

“Oh shit, look at you. Come closer…so I can…”

Microfics - Round 3

2009-03-02T12:38:40Z

Smut: (Bank Shot)

“Harder!”

“Shh! Stewardess is coming.”

“She ain’t the only one.”

“Not yet!”

“Oww! Handle with care!”

“Not coming without me!”

…………

“Goddamn. Okay.” (with resignation) “Fix the blanket, then.”

“Shh! Or you’ll wake Sam.”

Hurt/Comfort: (Bank Shot)

“Next time, no soap.”

“You dropped it.”

“Fucking concussion….damn!”

“Better than a pulled groin.”

“Have you seen this goose-egg?”

………

“Can’t miss it, bud.”

“Well?”

“Rather that, than this.”

Fluff: (The Dance)

“Get your own bowl.”

“Wanna share.”

“Gimme the remote, then.”

“Nope.”

“Shit, Ennis.”

“And watch that lame show all night?”

……………..

“Wanna see how Danny does.”

“One who lost his wife?”

Unresolved Sexual Tension: (The Dance)

“Stop looking at me like that.”

(growls) “Better ride faster, cowboy.”
“Can’t. My cock’s too hard.”

“Take it out. Lemme see.”

…………

“Here? Out in the open?

“I’ll take mine out, too.”

………..

All TBC tomorrow.

smiles_a_lot @ 2009-03-01T13:23:00

2009-03-01T18:19:07Z

Genre/Rating: BBM, mostly Au!Au, soft R?
Pairings: Jack/Ennis in The Dance and Bank Shot Universe.
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.
Notes: I punked this idea from fizzerbass here's her original post on whatever pillaging she did The Teefing Began Here . The premise is: write ten categories of fic (au, first time, etc.) in ten words or less. After my original post here Fizzer challenged me even further to complete the Microfic Bits until they were full drabbles. So I worked on these and was planning to start Round 2 around Valentine's Day but got derailed. So...to keep this long story long...sheesh this preamble is like longer than this whole freaking round...I chose four entries that were not canon to expand. I will add to these for the next nine days until they are full drabbles. New entries are in bold, stuff in brackets don't count towards the word count. Have fun!

Smut: (Bank Shot)

“Harder!”

“Shh! Stewardess is coming.”

“She ain’t the only one.”

……

“Not yet!”

“Oww! Handle with care!”

“Not coming without me!”

Hurt/Comfort: (Bank Shot)

“Next time, no soap.”

“You dropped it.”

“Fucking concussion….damn!”

……………..

“Better than a pulled groin.”

“Have you seen this goose-egg?”

Fluff: (The Dance)

“Get your own bowl.”

“Wanna share.”

“Gimme the remote, then.”

“Nope.”

“Shit, Ennis.”

“And watch that dumb show all night?”

Unresolved Sexual Tension: (The Dance)

“Stop looking at me like that.”

(growls) “Better ride faster, cowboy.”

“Can’t. My cock’s too hard.”

“Take it out. Lemme see.”

Thanks to all

2009-02-16T23:41:33Z

First of all, I just wante to say a quick thank you to all of you for your words of condolence. The funeral today was just beautiful and I made it through my solo without choking up. Whew!

Also, thanks to all of you for your comments on that bit of fluff I posted on Valentine's Day. I wish I could reply individually to each comment because they mean so very much to me...but I figured it was more important for me to beta some of the stuff waiting in my inbox. Who wants to read a reply when they could read slash? Especially slash written by the amazing authors I'm lucky enough to beta. Or...maybe even more bits of fluff written by little ole me. So I will definitely reply to your comments next time. *winks* Until then, thanks again for your words of encouragement and support.

Love ~ Auntie Em

Valentine's Day Drabble

2009-02-14T12:09:50Z

Genre/Rating: AU, R - some light bondage elements
Pairing: Jack/Ennis

Notes: My intention was to do a drabble series, expanding on that 10 word Microfic thing I posted...but I wanted to have all the drabbles written already then post 10 words a day. Unfortunately things didn't work out, time wise, because my manager at work took bereavement leave and I was covering for her. Plus I, myself, lost a close friend last weekend and I'm now co-ordinating the music for her funeral.

I did have a chance to get this little bit down, from the AU section of the Microfic, while I was sitting at McDonald's the other day, having a tea and a muffin. Since Valentine's Day is a very special day on this journal, I couldn't let the day go by without posting something! So...lucky you, you're getting all 100 words in one shot. I do plan to give a few of the others Microfic ideas the same treatment so watch this journal for more....

AU:

“Uncuff me already!”

“No.”

“Fuckin’ hate you!”

“Cock says different.”

"Damn, traitor."
"More like, barometer."
"Well, it's rising."
"I know."

"Then, do something!"
"I am."
"About the cuffs!" Reaches into bedside drawer and takes out another object.) "Fuck, no!"

"Hell, yeah."
"No blindfold. Please?"
"Okay, but cuffs stay on."

"Alright." (Feather is produced and brushed over taut nipples.) "Oh God." (straining against handcuffs)
"Feel good?"
"No." (pause.) "Yes."
"You want...?"
"More."

(Feather heads down towards groin.)
"Can't stand it."
"You're beautiful like this."
"Need you, please."

"Here, baby, I'm here." (Positions himself and slides down erect cock.)
"Yes! God!"
"More?"
"You're beautiful, too."

"Christ, when you say stuff like that..."
"Show me, then..."

"Ahh..." (slides down all the way)
"Yes!"
"Gonna ride you..."
"So fuckin' hard it hurts."

"Wait..." (key is produced and cuffs finally released. Grunts and groans fill the air and both reach orgasm.)
"Broke you down." (Both laugh)
"Fuckin, love you."
"Love you, too."

BBM Microfic Meme, Or That Ten Word Tidbit Thing

2009-01-31T16:46:52Z

Genre/Rating: BBM, various genres, soft R?
Pairings: Jack/Ennis in OC and Dance universe.
Notes: I punked this from fizzerbass, here's her original post on whatever pillaging she did The Teefing Began Here . The premise is: write ten categories of fic (au, first time, etc.) in ten words or less. I just used her prompts. I think a few others have jumped on ye olde bandwagon. So I figured, what the hay? (Hay, get it, wagon, ha ha, I just crack only myself up.) So here's what I did on a beta break. Umm, I did cheat a bit and only counted contracted words as one word. The stuff in parentheses is supposed to not count .

Angst:

“Don’t go.”

“Tired of this bullshit.”

“I ain’t never enough.”

AU:

“Uncuff me already!”

“No.”

“Fuckin’ hate you!”

“Cock says different.”

First Time:

“No, you.”

“Sure? Gonna hurt.”

“My turn to be filled.”

Smut:

“Harder!”

“Shh! Stewardess is coming.”

“She ain’t the only one.”

Humour:

(Jack and Ennis drop out of an open window.)

“Haul ass! Janie’s coming.”

(Jack sniffs his prize appreciatively.)

“Strawberry rhubarb!”

(Jack’s so busy admiring the pie, he slips in some mud and lands on his ass, pie everywhere. Ennis crouches down and gently licks Jack’s cheek.)

“Tastes even better, now.”

Hurt/Comfort:

“Next time, no soap.”

“You dropped it.”

“Fucking concussion….damn!”

Fluff:

“Get your own bowl.”

“Wanna share.”

“Gimme the remote, then.”

Missing Scene:

“You ain’t nothing.”

“Jack…”

“You’re something…to me.”

(sigh) “Not always.”

Unresolved Sexual Tension:

“Stop looking at me like that.”

(growls) “Better ride faster, cowboy.”

POV:

(snuggled up in bed.)

Ennis: “Ain’t nothing better than this.”

Jack: “Ain’t nobody better than you.”

Haikus: A Year Remembered

2009-01-22T13:05:56Z

As I've said before, I am not a poet. But this seems to be the only way I can reach what I feel for Heath. Take heart, my friends. Be at peace...as I pray our beautiful boy is.

Winter
The cold bites bone deep
My breath like clouds before me
Empty, your clouds are gone

Spring
New life comes over, under
Scent of green and rich earth
The breeze your whisper

Summer
Transfixed, in the dark
My eyes see the glory
You are brilliant

Fall
Leaves fall on the ground
Dry to wet to earth again
Breaking down, like me

Winter
Snow blankets the land
Protecting life hidden deep
Only...cover me

Hello my friends

2009-01-19T20:20:05Z

It's been ages since I've posted and almost that long before I've been on LJ to read stories. The reason for this is...remember that promotion I hinted about a while back? Well, I got it! I don't start my new job until beginning of February but I've been working like a fiend to clean off my desk.

My new job will be as a Program Co-ordinator at an autistic children's home. (Right now I work with dually-diagnosed adults.) This position is a lot more challenging because these kids are strong and can definitely put me in the hospital, and I've got a crap load of responsibility, but it's 9-5, no weekends, so I will finally get a chance to eat and sleep normally, which will make a huge difference for my physical and mental health.

Hopefully, once things settle down, I can get back to doing some writing again. Although I haven't been completely slacking off, because I'm still actively doing beta work which I LOVE.

Well that's a little update on Auntie Em and this side of the rainbow. Wishing you all well.

Much love, Em

The Dance - Epilogue

2008-12-12T16:16:00Z

Genre & Rating: Canon/AU, rated NC-17 for cussin.

Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Summary: This is the epilogue of The Dance, which takes place after Ennis and Alma's divorce. Ennis has moved to Kansas and is trying to find a way for him and Jack to be together. The road is bumpy and uneven but each small step brings both Jack and Ennis closer to the dance. Prior chapters are here .

A/N: This is unbeta'd. Mostly because one of the things a beta gives up is the rush of seeing something new come up without having worked on it. I thought it might be nice to have this one come from just me and the Dance gang.

So much has happened since I first started this story, some good, some bad. We have lived this together, you and I. Thank you.

The Dance: Epilogue

After knocking on the door politely for five minutes, he resorted to pounding on it instead, thinking that might obtain better results. As he did so, he put some meat into it; it was freezing and he hated the damned cold. “Just like your father,” Ennis always said.

Finally he heard a gruff, “Hold yer horses!” coming from inside the house. He rolled his eyes as he waited another five minutes for the godforsaken door to be unlocked. He could never figure out why Daddy and Ennis needed not one, not two, but four locks. You’d think this place was Fort Knox, the way those two carried on about making sure the door was locked at all times.

His aggravation quickly disappeared when he caught sight of the lean, wiry, man who opened the door. “Ennis!” he boomed, opening his arms wide and planting a bone crushing bear hug on the cowboy.

“Must be a bad storm comin’, blowin’ in the riffraff,” grumbled Ennis, offering some token resistance against the bear hug, but there was no hiding the glint of affection in his eyes when Bobby let go.

“This is Kansas, don’t you know? My house just dropped outta the sky and I was supposed to land on you, you miserable sonofabitch.”

“Hey, now, watch who you’re calling a sonofabitch, you dumbass,” Ennis quipped, gently cuffing Bobby on the side of the head. He then took a step back and placed both hands on Bobby’s shoulders, looking him over carefully, “Don’t see no broken bones. Appears you managed to get though your first year a marriage without too much trouble.”

Bobby shrugged good-naturedly. “I guess. I swear the only reason why Christie married me in the first place is because she’s half in love with you and she figures marrying me was the only way she could spend time with you.”

Ennis’ cheeks reddened. “Go on with you. She ain’t lookin’ at nobody else but you. You got those Twist eyes. Ain’t no competin’ with that,” Ennis mumbled, leading Bobby to the kitchen. “Your Dad’s in here, makin’ some lunch.”

Bobby’s heart warmed when he caught sight of his Dad at the kitchen counter fiddling with the coffee maker. They went through some tough times way back when his folks first split up, and then again when he peeked into Ennis’ and Daddy’s bedroom on summer vacation and realized there was only one bed in there. He remembered standing here in this same kitchen and asking his Daddy straight out if he was gay, said it filled with disdain, thinking of that sissy character played by Billy Crystal on the TV show Soap. His Daddy’s response was to give him a tight hug, and to say, “I love you, son, no matter what. That’s all you need to know.”

He reflected now on that moment with shame, thinking of how still and unbending he’d been, resisting the hug and the words spoken. Through the years he’d come to see that love was love no matter what, as his Dad had said, and he grew to be grateful that he’d been exposed to the full spectrum of love and how it could be expressed. And so, when it came time to choose his best man for his wedding, he’d asked his Dad. Because of all the men he knew, his Dad was the one who had taught him the most about love. About how it’s okay to make mistakes, and there was strength in being vulnerable, and at the end of the day a man could take pride in being a cushion for his loved ones to land on.

His thoughts were interrupted by Ennis’ deep voice bringing him back to the present. “Quit diddlin’ with that thing and take a gander at what the wind blew in,” instructed Ennis.

Jack turned around, his whole face lighting up at the sight of Bobby. Father and son clutched each other tightly, thumping each other on the back and laughing with joy.

“Bobby! Well this is a nice surprise!” Jack exclaimed, mirroring Ennis’ earlier actions and standing back after their hug, putting both hands on Bobby’s shoulders and looking him over.

“Your hearing must be going, Jack. I’m surprised you didn’t come running to the door with all the ruckus this boy was making, hammering on the door like a battering ram,” chided Ennis.

“Hell, I just thought that was one of Chevy and Janie’s brood come over to borrow a cup a sugar or something. Figured ain’t no point me rushing to the door when you was just sitting there in the living room readin’ the paper like always. Plus, I was tryin’ to figure this new coffee maker out.”

“Jesus, Dad, you guys finally got rid of that old percolator, then? What’ll you do now that you can’t stand your spoon up in your coffee?” teased Bobby, sitting down on his favourite kitchen chair, the one farthest back from the counter, providing the best view of the two men as they prepared lunch. Some of his most entertaining memories growing up were watching his Daddy and Ennis swipe at each other.

“You shut up about that coffee, boy. I’ve been makin’ that coffee for Ennis goin’ on ten years now and I ain’t heard a word a complaint, ain’t that right, Ennis?” asked Jack, raising an eyebrow at the man beside him.

“Like I said. Your hearing must be going,” scowled Ennis, jabbing at Jack with an elbow before taking the Cheez Whiz out of the fridge. He placed the jar on the counter and leveled a look at Bobby. “You’re havin lunch with us then,” he declared; it wasn’t a question.

Bobby nodded, smiling fondly when Ennis reached back into the fridge and grabbed a package of bologna and a bottle of mustard. When Ennis got back to the counter, Jack had already laid out the bread slices, wordlessly handing Ennis a knife. Ennis gave Jack the bologna and began spreading out the Cheez Whiz on each slice of bread, using precise, economical strokes. As soon as Ennis finished with a slice of bread, Jack was ready with a slice of bologna, placing it carefully on the bread so it was dead center. When Ennis ran out of bread for the gooey spread, he went back to the beginning, meticulously beading a circle of mustard on the bologna, with Jack following and placing a piece of bread on top and putting the finished sandwiches on a plate. A sandwich was never cut in half in this home. Hell, it was a competition to see who could stuff the most in his mouth on the first bite.

Bobby observed the two men working almost soundlessly, anticipating each other’s next move as if by instinct. There was a rhythm and a cadence to their movement, a graceful sway to the way they inhabited each other’s space.

He once again thought back to his wedding day when he’d caught sight of Jack and Ennis drinking beers together at their table, right on the edge of the dance floor. He was swirling his wife around, enjoying the feel of her in his arms, when his eyes had met Jack’s. His Dad had winked at him, raising his beer in a silent toast, and Bobby had winked back. On the next go round it was Ennis’ gaze that he snagged, and Ennis had given him an approving nod, offering up a meager smile. He’d felt a flash of regret then, realizing that his Dad and Ennis would never carry on like this in public, swirling each other around in front of the whole world after making promises to love, honor and cherish. He’d never even seen them do more nudge each other’s hand, or maybe give a belt loop a little tug.

But now, as he sat in this humble kitchen, he began to grasp that the two men in front of him had their own way of dancing. Whether it be making sandwiches, or repairing a fence, or watching TV with one bowl of popcorn between them, there was an ebb and a flow between the two men that proclaimed, more than a marriage certificate, that they lived and breathed each other.

He shifted in his seat, overwhelmingly touched by the way both men patted him on the shoulder almost simultaneously when they sat down to eat. He waited until the all-important first bite was measured and consumed before making his announcement.

“’Spose you might be wondering what brought me here on this blustery winter’s day,” Bobby began. As he expected, the only response he received from the two men were identical shrugs and a slight lean forward. He coughed fretfully, biting his lip for a second before blurting out, “Christie and I are gonna have a son in August!”

Well, his announcement was met with another whopper of a hug from his Daddy and a few rib-shaking whacks on the back from Ennis.

“Who-wee! Hear that, Ennis? I’m gonna be a grandpa, finally! Not to say it ain’t been sweet to have Junior’s kids callin’ me Grampa Jack, but…hot damn!”

“That’s mighty fine news, mighty fine,” Ennis beamed.

“Oh and I can picture your Mama bein’ over the moon at having a grandbaby to spoil,” Jack hooted.

“Well,” Bobby replied, “she ain’t too keen on being called grandma, says it makes her feel old. But, in the next breath she’s talkin’ about taking up knitting, so it looks like she’s getting used to the idea right quick.”

“So how’s your Christie doing, then? She feeling okay? She makin’ you run out to the store to buy peanut butter ice cream?” asked Jack.

“Oh she’s great, Dad, excited as could be. She’s over at the main house right now, visiting with Uncle Chevy and Aunt Janie so’s I could tell you the rest of the news without havin’ a wailing woman around. Her words not mine. God almighty, all she has to do is watch a Coke commercial and she’s cryin’ buckets,” bemoaned Bobby.

“Get used to it, son,” Jack intoned wisely. “You got about four months when the only words that should be comin’ out of your mouth are ‘yes, dear’. Ain’t that so, Ennis?”

“Got that right. And after the baby’s born all you gotta say is ‘yes, it’s my turn’ even if it ain’t,” Ennis added.

Bobby gawked at Jack and Ennis blankly. “My turn for what?”

Jack and Ennis looked back at him solemnly. “Ohhh, you’ll see,” they proclaimed in unison, before sharing a conspiratorial look.

“Well, anyways, I got more news…”

“Holy shit! Twins!” Jack whooped.

Bobby held up his hands in the universal stop sign. “No, Daddy, hold up now. You’re as jumpy as Christie, dammit.”

“Oh no, not bad news is it? The baby’s gonna be okay, right? Christie probably got one of them ultrasounds like Junior got and you didn’t see nothin’ wrong, did you? Well, it don’t matter, whatever the outcome, your baby will be perfect to me,” Jack assured him, reaching out and squeezing his shoulder once again.

He felt a lump rise in his throat at his father’s immediate support. It took him a second to swallow it down before he could allay his Daddy’s fears. “No, Daddy, the baby’s fine from what we can see, although I appreciate all you said just now. The rest of my news is…Christie and I decided on our boy’s name.” Bobby was watching his father carefully, so he saw the instant Jack stiffened and became still. “You…you wanna know what we’re gonna call him?” he whispered.

Jack began to shake his head slowly, eyes glittering with emotion. “No, son, I ain’t gonna hold you to that.”

This time it was Bobby who leaned forward, reaching out and clasping his father’s shoulder. “I told you it was a good name, Dad, one I’d be proud to give to one of my own.” Jack continued to shake his head mutely, looking down and refusing to meet Bobby’s eyes. Bobby looked over at Ennis and explained, “I told my Daddy long time ago, just before he moved out here, that I was gonna name my first son after him.”

Ennis nodded, shifting slightly; Bobby could tell from the way Ennis’ arm was falling that Ennis had placed his hand on Jack’s knee under the table. After a moment’s hesitation, Ennis cleared his throat slightly and mumbled, “Only a dumbass would fail to see that you’re a man of your word, Bobby Twist.”

Bobby heard an indrawn breath at that, and he looked over to see his Daddy gazing at Ennis with such tenderness he felt like an interloper, afforded a brief glimpse into a private world.

“You callin’ me a dumbass, cowboy?” Jack murmured in a soft undertone.

“If the shoe fits,” Ennis retorted sharply, a slight smirk in his voice. The air was thick between the two men for a few seconds, before Jack nodded slightly.

“Well, allright,” Jack conceded, breaking eye contact with Ennis and looking back at Bobby. “Jack Jr. it is then?”

“Jack Jr. it is,” Bobby repeated. “Or, JJ for short.”

“JJ, for short,” Jack reiterated with awe. “I don’t know what to…how can I …”

“Oh, now, don’t carry on, Dad. Geez. I came here to get away from the waterworks,” Bobby interjected, hoping his attempt at humour would rescue his Dad, who looked completely at a loss.

“Of course, right,” Jack cleared his throat gruffly. “Well, little JJ’s got free riding lessons from his Grampa Jack, that’s for sure.”

“The hell you say,” Ennis snapped. “You want that boy to fall off the horse every five seconds? No way. He goes to Poppa Ennis for riding lessons. I’ll teach him the proper way to do things.”

Bobby gave a sharp bark of laughter. “Well, y’all have to arm wrestle Auntie Janie for the opportunity to teach JJ how to ride. She already pointed all her trophies out to Christie, sayin’ how two grumpy old men got no business….”

“No business! She would have no business, if it wasn’t for me!” Ennis sputtered.

“If there’s anyone that deserves to have a house land on her it’s that woman!” Jack threw in darkly.

“And, don’t forget, Uncle Nick’s probably going to have a thing or two to say about…” Bobby goaded.

“Nick? Pshaw! You gonna take JJ all the way down a Mexico for lessons? That’s pure foolishness!” Ennis spit out.

“Hell, boy, we raised you better’n that,” Jack crossed his arms indignantly.

Bobby sat back, watching his two Daddies grumble and throw barbs back and forth. It occurred to him that maybe those locks on the front door weren’t such a bad idea after all. For what this house held was far more valuable than gold, and definitely worth protecting.

The music of laughter rushed in, followed by the rhythm of warmth and the swirl of companionship. And Bobby gladly joined in the dance, if only for a while.

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
And dance me to the end of love
Yeah, dance me to the end of love

Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
And dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love... both of us above
And dance me to the end of love
Yeah, dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
And dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand... touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

(Dance Me to the End of Love, Written and Performed by Leonard Cohen)

~ Finis ~

The Dance - Chapter 21: Blackbird, Fly

2008-12-12T15:52:45Z

Genre & Rating: Canon/AU, rated R for explicit sexual content.

Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Summary: This is the final chapter of The Dance, which takes place after Ennis and Alma's divorce. Ennis has moved to Kansas and is trying to find a way for him and Jack to be together. The road is bumpy and uneven but each small step brings both Jack and Ennis closer to the dance. Prior chapters are here .

Dedication: This is dedicated to my betas, Kathy (in the beginning), Elizabeth, and especially Christine who has been with me from start to finish. They say it takes a village to raise a child. So it is with a story. Your fingerprints are all over these pages and I thank you for leaving your mark.

A/N: Well, folks, on behalf of Jack, Ennis, Nick, Janie, Lureen, Bobby, Alma, Junior, Franny and even Brego, I thank you for reading this version of their story. I hope I did them justice. They, and you, are forever in my heart.

The Dance – Chapter 21: Blackbird, Fly

Blackbird

(Lennon/McCartney)

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

<><><><><>

This goddamned stinking day was supposed to be the best day of his life. Two suitcases and a few boxes in the back of his truck jiggled around every once in a while trying to remind him of that, but his dark mood could not be lifted.

The day had started off wrong, what with him getting up late this morning even though he’d wanted to make Bobby his favourite peanut butter and jelly pancakes before seeing his son off to school one last time. Even though Jack wasn’t really sure how things were going to go down with Ennis, he was certain that even if things didn’t work out in Kansas his marriage was over and he wasn’t going to be living with Lureen and Bobby past this day.

So it was a rush to get up and get Bobby fed, with the added aggravation that he hadn’t waited for the pans to heat up properly so his pancakes had stuck and wound up a sorry mess. It didn’t help his mood any when he tried to give Bobby an extra long hug but his son, knowing he was off to Kansas today, barely returned his embrace, choosing instead to sulk his way on to the school bus. Lureen had called out, “Drive safely,” as he headed out but he could tell her heart wasn’t in it, even though they’d ended things well, considering. Even Miss Debra and her excellent coffee and homemade pies hadn’t come through for him today; when he got to her diner there was a sign up that said a pipe had burst and the diner was closed for repairs.

So here he was, practically at Ennis’ doorstep and he felt like a dark cloud was hovering over his head. Even the memory of how he’d told LD to take his job and shove it yesterday couldn’t restore his good humour. Him and Lureen had marched into LD’s office and told him straight out that Jack and Lureen were getting a divorce and Jack was handing in his notice. As expected, LD blew a gasket, sputtering on about “You can’t do that” and “I gave you a job when no one else would” and “I always said you were a disgrace.” Jack was standing there taking it, as usual, when he came to the realization that he could do as he wanted, he had plenty of satisfied customers who told him he was damn good at his job, and the disgrace would be if he continued to let this man heap insults upon him. So he calmly told LD in no uncertain terms what he thought of the narrow-minded son-of-a-bitch, gave Lureen a quick hug, and walked out of Newsome’s for good.

Nothing like burning all his bridges to make sure he only had one way to go. You’re a damn fool, Jack Twist. Why didn’t you just talk to Ennis first before packing everything up and heading out? What if Ennis wasn’t ready? What if he slammed the door in your face? What if…. No. He had a dream and in that dream he’d made a vow. And it was about time he stopped dreaming about things and actually made them happen. Right or wrong. Long or short. Now or never.

He set to calming his fears as he turned into Dart Stables’ long driveway, making his way around the corral and barn to Ennis’ cottage. He saw with relief that Ennis’ truck was in front of the cottage. It was about time something went right this day.

He got out of the truck and was just about to slam his door shut when he caught sight of a brown paper bag peeking out from one of the boxes. He bit his lip, considering, then shrugged, reaching out and picking up the bag, more for courage than for anything else.

His shoulders began to straighten the closer he got the cottage, his steps increasingly more eager. He felt like his callow, young self coming down off the cold, dark, mountain, aching from a lonely night spent guarding against predators, hurrying towards Ennis’ home fire and its promise of warmth and wellbeing. If he’d been on a horse they would have been galloping, although the rapid beating of his heart certainly duplicated the pounding of a horse’s hooves.

He was so keyed up he forgot to knock and just walked right in. The greeting he received was quite different from the one he envisioned for what he caught sight of was a well-muscled man coming out of the bathroom, a plain white towel barely covering his assets. Unfortunately… the well-muscled man was definitely not Ennis. With a sudden feeling of déjà vu, two things happened at once.

The man and Jack glared at each other and shouted, “Who the fuck are you?” and Ennis stepped out of his bedroom, took in the scene and yelled “Doesn’t anyone know how to fucking knock in this godforsaken place? See that front door? It’s there for a reason!”

And so they stood, a frozen tableau of three men glaring at each other in the heated silence. Jack should have known from the moment he popped awake this morning and saw the numbers blinking on his alarm clock that he should have waited to have the best day of his life. Because today wasn’t it.

But then….

Ennis leaned one shoulder against the wall, stuck his hand in his pocket and jiggled the change in there, clearing his throat nervously. He looked put out and uncomfortable and was shifting his feet like his boots were two sizes too small. But when their eyes met, what Jack saw in them had those horses galloping again.

They met in the middle, both of them taking a few steps forward. Jack saw the smile in Ennis’ eyes before it made its way down on to his lips and, eager as he was to get to his man, Jack stopped a hair’s breadth away, close enough to touch but not actually touching.

He had pictured this meeting to be huge, cataclysmic, two seismic forces clashing into each other, mindless with hunger. And the hunger was there, its sharp teeth tearing at him from the inside, wanting to be unleashed. But what overtook the hunger was the need for tenderness, to reach out until his trembling hands rested on that sweet, soft, spot at the nape of Ennis’ neck.

He gave in to that need, dropping the paper bag he’d been holding on to the floor, cupping Ennis’ face like a man who’d just wandered the desert taking his first careful sip of water. Angling his head forward he stopped just short of Ennis’ mouth, aware they were not alone, wanting this so bad he was prepared to throw caution to the winds, but mindful that Ennis might not feel the same. It seemed Ennis had no such qualms, for he tilted his head forward eagerly, bringing their mouths together. Given permission, Jack drank slowly and deeply, finally slaking his powerful thirst.

Ahhh yes. At last. The best day of his life.

He felt Ennis’ arms snake around his waist, bringing their bodies closer together. He couldn’t help the moan that escaped him, the feel of his man’s body flush up against him bringing the hunger back to the forefront.

“I just want y’all to know, when you do decide to come up for air, that I’m still here and needin’ clean pants,” came a voice from down the hall.

“Jesus!” Ennis exclaimed as they sprang apart, clearly having forgotten they had an audience.

“Yeah, I was gonna just tiptoe down the hall and help myself to a pair a jeans and clear on outta here but you guys are kinda blocking the, err, bedroom doorway so…”

Jack was hearing all this through a haze, his whole being focused on Ennis’ lips, wanting them on him. He saw Ennis turn slightly towards the voice and dimly heard him growl, “Go back in the bathroom, Nick. I ain’t finished.”

“But…”

“Back in the bathroom!” Ennis snarled, not turning back around until the bathroom door slammed shut. Then Ennis pushed Jack up against the wall, rumbled “I ain’t finished,” and gave him a kiss so long and so hard they might as well have been having sex right then and there, standing up, in the middle of the day, with a half-naked stranger in the bathroom.

They broke apart for a second time and suddenly Jack started laughing, unable to stop the tide of happiness that overtook him. He began laughing even harder when he caught the puzzled look on Ennis’ face.

“What’s got into you?” Ennis asked, still holding Jack close.

“I ain’t finished,” Jack said in his deepest, mock-Ennis voice.

Ennis lips curled up at that, his whole face softening with amusement. “Well I ain’t.”

“Then you better get rid of whoever that guy is in your bathroom because the way this is going we won’t be finished any time soon. Not if I have anything to do with it.” He thrust his hips forward, making sure Ennis took his meaning.

“Yeah, uh, I should explain about that guy in there,” Ennis began nervously. “We were out working the horses and Nick slipped in the mud and he was gonna head back to his house to change but we remembered Janie’d just kicked us outta the house after breakfast because she was gettin’ to scrubbing the floors so we figured it’d be best for Nick to grab a shower over at my place and I’d give him a pair a my jeans so when you walked in the door…”

“Whoa, there, cowboy. I don’t know what’s in the air around here but I sure do like it if it makes you kiss me in front a people and makes you so loose lipped I finally get the opportunity to tell you to shut up for a change,” Jack teased, giving Ennis another quick kiss. “I already figured there was nothin’ goin’ on between you two.”

Ennis’ brow furrowed. “How come?”

Jack smiled smugly, reaching down and giving Ennis’ ass an affectionate squeeze. “’Cause even though you sounded like your usual grumpy self, you couldn’t hide how happy you were to see me.”

Ennis gave Jack’s ass an answering squeeze, saying “That so?” before he commenced to nibble on Jack’s lower lip.

A disembodied voice came from behind the closed bathroom door. “Still mostly naked. Still getting cold. Still your boss and landlord, you sack of shit, so you better red light whatever’s goin’ on out there so I can get the hell outta here.”

Jack began laughing again and reluctantly stepped away from a disgruntled Ennis. Ennis went into his room and emerged with a pair of jeans, hurrying down the hall and opening the bathroom door long enough to throw them at Nick. After a few minutes, Nick came out, giving Jack a rueful grin.

“I’m Nick Strider, and you must be Jack Twist,” Nick said, holding out a hand. Jack shook it gladly, liking the fact that there was no hint of censure or disgust in Nick’s attitude, even though he’d witnessed Jack and Ennis going at each other. “Well glad to meet you, Jack Twist. Hope you stick around some, considering the help I currently got’s gettin’ too uppity, if you ask me.”

Nick barely dodged the cuff Ennis tried to give him on the side of his head. He ran out of the cottage with a hoot of laughter, yelling “Take the rest of the day off, Ennis! Looks like you’re gonna have a helluva Valentine’s Day!” as he slammed out the door.

Jack mentally smacked himself in the head. Valentine’s Day! Of course! He thought back to this time last year, when he sent off that heart shaped spud in the mail to Riverton. He could tell from the awkward silence that followed that Ennis was reminiscing as well. The teasing mood of just a few minutes ago seemed to have vanished now that the quick spurt of happiness at being in the same place at the same time was assuaged.

“Sorry I didn’t call---“

“So what made you show up outta the blue ---“

They both began talking simultaneously then broke off abruptly, as they waited for the other man to continue. Shoulders shifted and throats were cleared. Jack wiped his suddenly clammy hands on his jeans, trying desperately to swallow the lump in his throat.

“What’s going on, Jack? Why are you here?” Ennis asked quietly, his face impassive.

Jack wanted to say so much, words that had always flown fast and furious out of him clogged in his throat. “I…I…” he croaked, his eyes scanning the living room because looking at Ennis only made him more tongue-tied. His eyes lit on the paper bag he’d dropped on the floor, carefully picking it up after a moment’s hesitation, its contents suddenly heavy.

“What’s in that, Jack? Another sack a potatoes?” asked Ennis dubiously. “You didn’t come all this way just to give me…”

“I’m here because a what I got in here,” Jack said, unable to look at Ennis, looking down at the bag in his hand instead, “and, I guess, because a what I got in here,” he continued, pointing at his chest. “I’ve had these a long time, Ennis, and plenty a times I almost gave up on them, plenty a times I just wanted to take them out and burn them cause there wasn’t no point hanging on to something dead and gone.” Jack shrugged, beginning to shiver now. “But I never could, ‘cause giving up on them meant giving up on the only thing I ever done right.”

He finally looked up. “I done a lot of things wrong since I got these. Hell, last time I was here I fucked things up and that ain’t gonna be the last time, I can guarantee that. But, ain’t no use me talkin’ about you and me living out and open when I got these hidden away in the dark, stealin’ away with them like a thief in the night. I figure it does me no good to hold on to these when only half belongs to me.” He stepped forward and handed the paper bag to Ennis with trembling figures. “You make up the other half, Ennis. Always have, always will.”

Ennis took the bag, his face showing he had no idea what was inside, but understanding from Jack’s demeanor that opening it would forever change something between them. Ennis looked at Jack searchingly then carefully opened the bag, his brows knitting together when he pulled out what was inside.

Recognition was instant. In Ennis’s hands were the shirts both Jack and Ennis wore on Brokeback. The last time they’d worn these shirts Jack and Ennis had lashed out, fighting with and against each other, raw emotions spilling blood. And here they stood, almost a decade later, with the same shirts, but far from the same men.

Jack was having a hard time holding things together, shaking uncontrollably now with pent up feeling. What broke Jack was when Ennis carefully and deliberately tucked Jack’s shirt inside his, making sure Jack’s shirt was covered by Ennis’, and brought the shirts up to his lips, kissing them. He fell to his knees then, sick with relief; they were going to be okay, after all. He felt Ennis’ arms around him and he leaned in, knowing from Ennis’ harsh breathing that his cowboy was just as overcome.

“I saw your shirt peekin’ outta your sack when you went to change and I…I took it,” he said brokenly. “I didn’t want it to end, Ennis, and I wanted a piece a you, proof that what we had wasn’t a one-shot thing.”

“Jack,” Ennis whispered.

“I kept them all this time in my old closet in Lightning Flat. Hidden way in the back so only I knew they were there. Took them here with me after Christmas ‘cause I had such high hopes…”

“Jack, hush for a second.” Ennis murmured in his ear.

“… but then your sister walked in and you looked at me like you hated me, just for split second, but that was enough to make me go tearing off. I shoulda had more faith, Ennis, more faith in you, in me, in the both of us…”

Ennis shook him slightly. “Jack, I mean it, you gotta shut the hell up for a second.”

“But, Ennis, I gotta tell you, gotta explain why…” Jack insisted, but then his eyes fell on something Ennis had taken out of his pocket.

He shook his head, his brain short circuiting at the sight of what Ennis held in his hand. It was a plain mother of pearl button, totally nondescript, absolutely nothing special about it…except it matched the buttons on his old shirt from Brokeback. With a gasp he pictured his old shirt in his mind, following the line of buttons until he reached the empty space where a button had been torn off after their fight.

“I walked away from you after that punch and I had it in my hand,” Ennis murmured. “Don’t know why I put it in my pocket but couldn’t bring myself to get rid of it.” Ennis’ hand closed around the button reflexively. “Had it in my pocket ever since, every single day, since then. Only time I don’t have it on me is when I’m in bed or in the shower.”

Every day, all this time. Jack pictured the countless times he’d seen Ennis stick his hand in his pocket, all the times he’d assumed Ennis was fumbling around in there because he was ill at ease, jiggling change or keys skittishly. If he wasn’t already on his knees, this would have brought him there: the realization that Ennis had kept his own faith

“Goddamn, Ennis, why didn’t you…” Jack began.

“Same reason you didn’t,” Ennis answered. Ennis reached up and this time it was he who cupped Jack’s’ face, his thumbs wiping away the wet under Jack’s eyes. “But I guess it’s about time we stopped hiding these things and brought them back where they belong, huh?”

They kissed with tears running down their faces, tasting salt, recognizing how these long years apart had seasoned them until they soaked in to each other. Two halves made whole. Belonging.

“Need you, Ennis,” Jack pleaded hoarsely. There was a lot that needed to be said, but not in words.

Ennis’ response was immediate. “You have me, Jack.”

They helped each other up, fumbling at clothes and kissing all the while, bumping noses and clutching at skin, muttering and moaning and chuckling when they bashed into the walls like drunken sailors on shore leave. It probably took them twice as long to make their way to the bedroom, pants at their ankles and shirts half off, looking like crazy contestants in a perverted three-legged race. Jack said a silent hallelujah when they reached the bed at last, falling back on the mattress and taking Ennis with him.

Oh god, how he’d missed the weight of his man on top of him. It always seemed as if he could carry anything on his shoulders as long he had Ennis covering him. Skin on skin, face to face, hard against hard, full to bursting with need, Jack gloried in the sensations that overtook him, thrumming with desire with each moan that escaped Ennis.

“You feel so good, Jack, can’t hardly stand it,” Ennis groaned, hips grinding into Jack.

“Fuck, Ennis, you gotta stop cause I’m liable to come just from what you’re doing down there.”

“Don’t know if I can stop, Jack, this horse is already outta the gate and I’m not so sure I can rein it in,” Ennis gasped.

“Well get on up here, then, and we’ll see what we can do about slowing this bad boy down,” he urged.

Ennis straddled Jack, inching his way up the bed on his knees until his cock was inches away from Jack’s mouth. Jack reached back and grabbed a pillow, placing it under his head so he could take Ennis’ cock in his mouth without straining his neck. He reached out with his tongue, lapping at the tip of Ennis’ cock lightly, gratified to hear Ennis’ hiss of approval. He wanted Ennis in his mouth something fierce, but not yet.

He cupped Ennis’ tight ass, using it like a steering wheel to position Ennis where he wanted, using his tongue to explore Ennis’ length oh so slowly. Up and down he went, his tongue flicking here and there until Ennis’ cock was bathed in spit and slick. He then urged Ennis up even higher, giving Ennis’ balls the same careful treatment, before his tongue slithered between them, snaking his way to Ennis’ pucker.

“Yes, Jack, oh God,” Ennis moaned, head thrown back in ecstasy.

Jack teased Ennis’ hole with the tip of his tongue, delicate feather-light touches making Ennis squirm. He spread Ennis cheeks even further, then finally dipped in, Ennis babbling now in some language only he understood. He relished the faintly metallic taste of Ennis here, knowing he was the only person who will ever know Ennis in this way. The thought of Ennis giving all to him, surrendering to this pleasure, made his own cock go arrow straight, his balls tightening with excitement.

He probed deeper with his tongue, knowing how good Ennis must be feeling, spurred on by the way Ennis was bucking and moaning above him. He fucked Ennis with his tongue for a few more minutes before he finally relented, angling Ennis back down again so he could swallow Ennis’ now impossibly hard cock. He was holding Ennis’ ass only lightly now, letting Ennis set the rhythm. As desperate as Ennis must have been, he was thrusting carefully, going deep but not enough to gag. Jack thanked Ennis for his consideration by sucking as hard as he could, his cheeks hollowing on the up beat. He knew his cowboy was close when Ennis’ hips began to stutter, Ennis’ hand now tangled in his hair and clutching at it frantically.

”Jack…are you? Do you want?…” Ennis moaned brokenly.

Jack answered by thrusting his middle a finger inside Ennis, curling his finger slightly. Ennis roared Jack’s name as he came, Jack swallowing convulsively and bobbing his head to wring every last drop out of his lover. After Ennis’ spasms were done, he let Ennis slip out of his mouth grudgingly, planting gentle kisses on the sensitive tip. Ennis shuffled his way down Jack’s chest until they were once again flush up against each other, Ennis on top.

Ennis placed a tender kiss on Jack’s lips. “That your idea of slowing things down, you meathead?”

Jack smiled against Ennis’ lips. “Well, slowing things down enough so we get the most out of it, I guess.”

Ennis shifted his hips, taking Jack’s measure. “Hmm, seems you gotta lot, but you might need some help getting the most outta that.”

Jack pressed his erection insistently against Ennis’ groin. “Yeah, and I’m wondering if anyone around here might be interested in helpin’ a guy out.”

“Might,” Ennis chuckled. “If you ask nice.”

“Ask?” Jack groaned, his shaft tingling with anticipation.

“Well….beg.” Ennis teased, licking his way leisurely down Jack’s chest, biting down gently on a nipple.

“Oh, fuuuuuck,” Jack whimpered, cursing the dummy who came up with the bright idea of slowing things down in the first place.

Ennis meandered over to the other nipple, giving it the same treatment, his movements excruciatingly slow. Jack clenched his fists, aching to nudge Ennis’ head lower but knowing this was part of the game. Jack felt Ennis making his way down Jack’s treasure trail, leading with his tongue, stopping for a nibble every once in a while then continuing on until he reached Jack’s belly button. Once there, Ennis dipped in for a spell, while Jack thrashed and moaned like a man possessed. And he was possessed, wholly and completely, by that sonofabitch Ennis del Mar, his tormentor.

“Ennis, please,” he cried, just as Ennis reached his thatch; he could feel Ennis’ breath on him.

“Is that you begging, Jack Twist?”

“Fuck you,” Jack grunted, his hands clutching at the bed sheets to try to keep them from smacking that dumbass Ennis upside the head.

“Maybe in a little while. But first…”

Jack couldn’t believe Ennis could be so mean-spirited. Especially after just receiving an epic blow-job that had been so generously and graciously bestowed. Ungrateful. His frustration peaked when Ennis nudged his cock ever so slightly, no longer than a flutter. Fucking hell.

“Please, Ennis, oh god, please, please,” he begged, the skin around his cock so tight he was afraid he would split open.

It was bliss when Ennis’ mouth came down on him and from the moans coming out of Ennis, it seemed Ennis was just as relieved that Jack had surrendered. Jack’s vision dimmed with every pull on his cock, his whole being focused on the wet glide of Ennis’ hungry mouth. There was no teasing now, no soft touches. He was being taken over and he loved it.

His dazed mind registered that Ennis had maneuvered himself so he was kneeling on the floor by the bed, Jack’s thighs hooked over Ennis’ shoulders. It occurred to Jack that this was why Ennis’ hands were freely massaging his ass; Ennis now had perfect access to his cheeks, kneading and stroking them in time with each bob of Ennis’ head. He gritted his teeth against the twin pleasure of intense suction on his cock and the sensual massage of Ennis’ hands. He was lost in the sensations he didn’t want to end, yet could not deny the throb in his cock aching for completion. When Ennis’ fingers began to inch towards his hole, he knew he was a dead man. There was no way he was going to survive this.

He felt something else enter Ennis’ mouth and join his cock in getting sucked. Goddamn. Ennis was sucking his own fingers and Jack’s cock at the same time. Holy Mary, Mother of God. After a few seconds of that, Jack felt Ennis’ fingers probing at his hole, and that’s when he began to babble. He didn’t know if he was speaking in tongues or making up his own swear words, but the sounds coming out of him were alien, even to him.

It took but a few moments before they settled into a rhythm. Jack humping Ennis’ mouth, Ennis stabbing him with a finger, the wet sounds of sex rising like a symphony. He needed, oh god, he needed.

“Ennis, you have to…are you ready again? I want…” Jack pleaded, barely able to form the words in his desperation to be filled.

“I’m here, babe. I’m here,” Ennis murmured, releasing his cock and rising rapidly, bending over Jack, Jack’s knees still hooked over Ennis’ shoulders.

“Do it, Ennis. I want you,” he whimpered, gazing up at the only man he’d ever loved.

“Hush now, gotta do this right,” Ennis soothed, reaching for the lube he’d fetched from under the bed, quickly readying both Jack and himself.

Jack was looking deep in Ennis’ eyes when Ennis entered him; he felt the invasion in his body at the same time he saw the surrender in Ennis’ eyes. There was no taking here, no prisoners. There was only freedom. He spread his arms wide, bending willingly with each of Ennis’ thrust, and felt himself take flight. Gazing up at Ennis, he finally saw what Ennis was giving him, and he opened himself fully to receive it, to accept. Ennis’ eyes widened slightly, understanding blooming inside them.

“Yes, Jack,” Ennis said before quickening his thrusts, riding the swell that was overtaking them, making speech impossible. Faster they went, moving as one, the friction between them sparking fire, bursting into flames, flying higher and higher until they were in the eye of the sun, melting into each other and fused together for one perfect infinite moment that pierced them with its sweetness. Jack’s orgasm burst from him at the same time he felt the spurt of Ennis’ heat inside him, and he was convinced his heart would stop then and there, for it held so much.

Jack welcomed Ennis’ weight once again when Ennis collapsed on top of him, both their chests heaving, and not just from exertion. Although slick from sweat and sticky from semen, Jack felt strangely washed clean. Made new.

He rolled over until he was on top of Ennis, kissing first one eye and then the other. Ennis kept his eyes closed, smiling softly. The sight of Ennis laying there complacently, clearly enjoying his attention, overwhelmed him with such gratitude he sent up a prayer of thanks to whatever had granted him this shining being as his life’s companion, a treasure so far greater than his own worth.

Ennis mumbled something sleepily, something he didn’t quite catch, so he leaned forward. “Say again?” Jack whispered, listening intently.

“You gonna be here in the mornin’, ain’t ya?” Ennis murmured.

“Sure, bud.”

“And the mornin’ after that?”

Jack chuckled uneasily, realizing he’d made some leaps in his head, but he and Ennis hadn’t actually ironed things out just yet, busy as they’d been on other things. “Uh, yeah, if you’ll have me.”

Ennis’ grin widened, eyes still closed, looking very much like a well-satiated cat. “Good,” Ennis said, lifting one eyelid lazily. “’Cause I ain’t finished.”

Jack threw back his head and laughed, Ennis’ deep baritone joining in.

<><><><><><><><><>

He woke up slowly, his eyes filled instantly with the sight of Ennis gazing down on him, head propped on one elbow.

He smiled. “What?”

Ennis smiled back. “You’re here.”

He reached up and traced Ennis’ lower lip with a finger. “And you’re here.”

Ennis kissed his finger. “You’re mine.”

He reached forward and placed a tender kiss on Ennis’ lips. “And you’re mine.”

Ennis rolled on top of him, both hands on either side of Jack’s head. “You love me.”

He mirrored Ennis and put both hands on either side of Ennis’s head. “And you love me.”

He supposed other people said it the other way, saying “I love you” instead. But that had never been in question. He knew he loved Ennis, loved him for a long time, declared it again and again with his body and his soul. The problem had always been this: realizing and accepting that he was loved in return.

This dance had started long ago, two men looking for work and finding each other across a dusty parking lot. It had continued up mountains and across streams, through winding roads and musty tents. It had led them away from each other, into the arms of women that couldn’t hold them. Through it all they had swayed together and apart, boots planted in the ground, sometimes unable to lift their feet up off the mire. But somehow they’d found a way, after being tossed and turned by the coursing, endless wind, to take this dance up into the stars where it could take flight. Up above all that held them down. Into a world of their own, into a life of their making, into a love that could be felt deep in the heart, where all truth lies.

So he set to expressing that love, right here, right now, because from here on in, every day was the best day of his life. ‘Cause they weren’t finished, no sir, not by a long shot.

Epilogue follows immediately in next post.

The Dance - Update

2008-12-09T15:37:03Z

Hello friends:

Just want you all to know the last chapter of The Dance and the Epilogue will most likely post by the end of this week. My betas are sinking their teeth in them first. Thought I would give folks a heads up in case they want to re-read past chapters or want to catch up.

Thanks for your patience. The Den has been quite busy as I've been working on many stories in this fandom as a beta so I'm sorry for the delay in getting this out to you.

Much love to all,

Auntie Em

Falling Back

2008-11-03T15:47:25Z

Genre & Rating: Canon drabble, dead!Jack.

Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Summary: This is how Ennis copes with this time of year. I finally wrote a real drabble, only a hundred words. Sorry it's sad, had to get it out, though, because it was stopping me from doing other things. Unbeta'd.

Falling Back

He dreaded this night. This night, above all the others.

Sure, there are other nights that open up the wound. Nights that could have been milestones if Jack wasn’t lost to him: his birthday, Jack’s, the anniversaries of the last time he saw Jack alive, and the day he received the postcard.

But this night. Well. This night left him bleeding and raw, unable to staunch the flow of grief that brought him to his knees, falling back into a pit of regret and desolation.

Tonight everyone around him turned their clocks back…and he hated them for it. Stupid people. Nothing can turn back time. Not even love.

The Dance: Chapter 20 - Forgiveness

2008-10-22T16:27:58Z

Genre & Rating: Canon/AU, NC-17 for cussin.

Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Summary: This is the continuation of The Package, and takes place after Ennis and Alma's divorce. Ennis has moved to Kansas and is trying to find a way for him and Jack to be together. The road is bumpy and uneven but each small step brings both Jack and Ennis closer to the dance. Prior chapters are here .

Thanks: To my betas Christine and Elizabeth, who are so much more than betas. They are confidantes, friends, and sisters. I usually leave a clever comment here, one that is very flip and tongue-in-cheek. But not today. This story is what it is, because of you.

Dedication: This is the penultimate chapter and I'm already starting to feel very sentimental as I type this note. I guess, because of the dialogue in this chapter, I'm feeling this is where I say good-bye to all of you. Sure, there's another chapter coming, plus an Epilogue, but I'm feeling the good-byes there will be to this Jack and Ennis. And so I thank you for blessing me with this story. Because even though I kind of started it all, I really do believe you guys were the ones that kept it going. I thank you for the lessons I learned and for letting me unfurl my wings. This chapter is dedicated to all of you.

The Dance: Chapter 20 – Forgiveness

The Heart of the Matter

(Don Henley)

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And the people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such graceless age?

The trust and self-assurance
That lead to happiness
They’re the very things
We kill, I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know, it doesn’t keep me warm

I’m learning to live without you now.
But I miss you, baby.
And the more I know,
The less I understand
All the things I thought I’d figured out
I have to learn again.

I’ve been trying’ to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it’s about
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if
You don’t love me anymore

There are people in your life
Who’ve come and gone
They let you down
You know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you, baby
‘Cause life goes on
You keep carryin’ that anger
It’ll eat you up inside, baby

I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if
You don’t love me anymore

I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if
You don’t love me anymore

<><><><><><><><><><><><>

He didn’t know what jolted him out of his nightmare but he was thankful for it. He had to work at untwisting himself from his blankets, the hurt in his jaws letting him know he must have been clenching them fiercely as he fought whatever demons attacked him while he slept. Even now, so soon after waking, he couldn’t remember what he’d fought against, although he suspected it stemmed back to his Daddy. Seems living that nightmare wasn’t quite enough, he had to go through it all again in his sleep.

He climbed out of bed and tossed pajama pants and an undershirt on, too restless to go back to sleep. He made his way to the kitchen, careful to be quiet, but realizing as he got closer that someone had beat him to whatever was left of the chocolate cake they’d had for dessert.

“Dammit, clumsy as anything,” Lureen muttered, carefully sweeping up pieces of a broken plate.

“You were always dropping things, or leaving stuff behind,” Jack said with amusement, leaning against the kitchen doorway. “That’s how we met, me returning your red hat to you.”

“Well now, that wasn’t my fault. Was the wind blew that to you,” Lureen said wryly, standing up and placing the shards in the trash. She glanced at Jack quickly, before nervously tightening the sash on her robe. “Sorry if I woke you Jack, dropping that plate.”

He shrugged, feeling self-conscious as well, wishing he’d put on his robe. He looked down and caught sight of Lureen’s bare toes. “You want I should get your slippers for you? Just in case you missed any glass?”

Lureen looked down at her feet and her cheeks reddened. “No, no, don’t trouble yourself, Jack. I’ll just put some milk in my tea and finish my book in bed. You go ahead and have that last slice a cake,” she gestured to the generous wedge sitting on the counter.

Jack made no move towards the cake, intending to wait until Lureen fixed her tea. Less chance of them bumping into each other that way.

He watched Lureen open up the fridge and take out the milk carton, the light from the fridge illuminating the dark circles under her eyes and the weariness around her mouth. Her hands didn’t seem quite steady as she splashed a dollop of milk in her tea, and he felt a pang of remorse, knowing he was making her nervous being alone with her like this without Bobby’s chatter to cover up the empty spaces between them.

He was taken aback when she suddenly slammed the milk carton on the counter, almost knocking over her tea cup.

“What the hell are we doing, Jack?” she glared at him, her eyes hot and resentful.

He pushed himself off the doorway slowly, straightening himself up.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I mean, what are we doing? We’re leading separate lives, Jack, which really isn’t all that different from what we’ve been doing these past few years. We’re just more honest with it now. But this can’t go on, us tiptoeing around each other,” she huffed. “The only thing we got in common any more is Bobby and eventually he’s gonna start feeling the pressure of that, start feeling resentful that he’s being used as a dividing line between two properties.”

Jack took a step forward so he could speak without raising his voice. “Lureen, I know what you’re saying and I’m feeling the same, but I don’t want to be the one to leave Bobby.”

“Oh for Pete’s sakes, Jack, will you listen to yourself? What kind of dummy do you take me for? Of course you’re going to have to be the one to leave Bobby. What are you gonna do, drag him with you to Kansas?” she hissed furiously, stepping forward to within inches of his chest, jutting her chin up and out so she could glare daggers at him.

He reeled in shock. “What do you mean…Kansas? How did you…”

“You just stop right there, Jack Twist, and stop insulting my intelligence by acting all shocked and puzzled ‘cause I figured out what you got there in Kansas. Why you been gettin’ mail and phone calls and why you just had to stop by there on your way home from Lightnin’ Flat.”

He nodded dumbly, unprepared for Lureen’s brash honesty. “I figured you’d put two and two together.”

“Well, just ‘cause I know what’s going on doesn’t mean you don’t owe me some words on all this. I been your wife for almost ten years. You. Owe. Me!” she uttered, jabbing her finger into his chest three times with emphasis.

“All right, fine!” he growled, his own temper flaring. “What do you want to know first? You want to know how I’ve loved him since I was nineteen? You want to know how I was ready to drop everything, even you and Bobby, if he even once told me he was willing to spend his life with me? But when he finally showed up at our doorstep a few months ago, telling me he was going to change, I’ve been too fucking scared to make a life with him because maybe I’m too broken, too messed up, too used to pushing people away?”

He didn’t flinch when she drew her hand back, willing her to slap him, prepared for the sting. She stopped midway though, letting out a low growl, her open hand balling up into a fist instead and punching him good and hard, right in his solar plexus.

He doubled over, seeing stars, opening his mouth wide to catch some air but finding nothing there. He wheezed, noting dimly that Lureen continued to stand in front of him, as if she enjoyed looking down on him while he struggled for breath. He was almost afraid to straighten up, wondering if he was going to see her winding up for round two.

“Jesus, Lureen!” he sputtered.

“I am not going to feel sorry for you, you lousy son of a bitch. I just gave you what you deserve for cheating on me all this time. For making false promises…”

“I did not! When we got married I thought he was outta my life for good! I never intended…”

“Oh so you mean to tell me a tornado blew you back and forth between Childress and wherever the hell y’all went to for your damn fishing trips? I don’t set much store by your intentions when he had your heart long before you ever set eyes on me!”

“Is that what’s got you so wound up? Because he came first?”

“Hell yes, Jack! Because he came first and I never did! I never did!” she cried, swiping furiously at the tears streaking down her face. “I deserve more than second place, Jack Twist!” She covered her eyes with both hands desperately, almost as if by doing so she could shut him out.

He could barely speak past the lump in his throat. “Aww, Reenie. I’m so sorry,” he murmured, reaching out for her.

“Don’t you touch me!” she sobbed, taking a step back and clenching her fists again. “You come one step closer and I’ll sock you another one, see if I don’t.”

He held his hands out in front of him in a placating gesture, letting her know he was going to respect her wishes. Still, even though she was threatening bodily harm, he couldn’t help but admire her grit. Her spirit is what drew him to her in the first place, and he felt inexplicably warmed by it, even now.

“Reenie, I’m in the wrong, that’s plain to see. I got no excuse for the way I’ve treated you,” Jack admitted.

Lureen seemed surprised by Jack’s ready acceptance of her anger. In fact, she looked vaguely disappointed he wasn’t putting up more of a fight.

“I had plenty of opportunities to step out on you, I’m still considered attractive to some,” she said, her tone challenging, almost goading. “But I never did, Jack, not once. Maybe if I had I wouldn’t look like such a fool,” she muttered bitterly.

“You could never look like a fool.”

“Says the man who made me one. I ain’t gonna accept any comfort from you, so quit trying to smooth things over.” Lureen walked away from him, pulling out a chair and sitting down. She put her elbows on the table, resting her head in her hands. “And the really humiliating thing is I wasn’t even woman enough to keep you from turning queer.”

“Lureen, you listen to me. I was this way long before I ever met you.”

“Then how come you didn’t just stay queer? Coulda saved me a whole lotta heartache.”

“I told you, I thought Ennis and I were done. Didn’t think there was any future down that road. Figured we’d be killed for sure if the truth ever came out. Plus Ennis, well, he just couldn’t admit to what was going on between us. Just wanted it gone, wanted me gone. All I saw in front of me was a dead end street.”

He pulled up a chair opposite Lureen, sitting down heavily. “Then I met you and I convinced myself I could turn my back on who I was, I could be who you wanted me to be, what the world wanted me to be.

“Jack, you dumbass,” murmured Lureen, shaking her head.

“I know it, and I feel real bad for the hurt I caused you. But I’m not gonna be sorry we had Bobby. I will never regret being his Daddy,” he said fiercely.

“Well good, because that’s one thing you can’t turn your back on. You and I can get divorced, but I ain’t gonna let you divorce him, too. That boy thinks the world of you.”

“Right now he does. But once he finds out about…all this…it’s a guarantee his opinion will change.” Jack uttered despondently, not even trying to mask his distress.

“Shut up, Jack. We raised our son better than that. Once he’s through being mad he’ll realize you’re the same Daddy who taught him how to tie his shoelaces, and ride his bike, and throw a baseball. His life will change along with ours, but you being his Daddy, that will never change.” Lureen said all these things grudgingly, clearly not wanting to give comfort but unable to help herself. She stood up abruptly and grabbed the piece of cake off the counter, placing it in the middle of the table. When she placed two forks on either side of the cake, his vision blurred.

“Aww, Reenie, I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

“Well, you ain’t gettin’ it. It’s just a piece of cake, Jack.” She picked up the fork and cut herself a corner.

“Oh, okay. As long as we’re clear,” he said wryly, wiping at his eyes. They shared a glance then, acknowledging that brief moment of connection. He picked up his fork as well and helped himself to a mouthful.

“I don’t even know why I got so mad just now. You gotta know I had things figured out a few weeks ago,” Lureen said thoughtfully. “I guess just having it all confirmed means there’s no turning back, no pretending it all away.” She swirled a bit of icing on her finger and licked it off. “What I can’t figure out is why you’re not down in Kansas already. When you told me you was stopping off there on your way home from your folks, I thought for sure you’d be going down there with packed boxes, ready to make the move.”

“That would’ve been okay with you?” he asked, completely shocked.

“No, of course not. But since when did I ever get a say in all this? Don’t forget, I met Ennis, and as much as I want to hate him, he’s got his own brand of charm. Plus, just because I think you’re an asshole, don’t mean I want you to be miserable for the rest of your life. If he’s the one for you, then I figure you should be with him.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “Reenie, I gotta tell you, I never expected this from you. The hollering and the punching, yeah. But you tellin’ me to go be with Ennis? Never in a million years.”

Lureen leaned forward. “This is the way I see it. If the Cowboys got knocked out of the playoffs by Green Bay, then I’d want Green Bay to win the whole thing, because then my team lost to the best.”

“Well, I’m thinking there are other women who’d want Green Bay to get pulverized for knocking the Cowboys out.”

“Sure thing. But I ain’t most women. I got Bobby to think about, and if I live the rest of my life hating you, then what’s that gonna teach my son?” She started to play with the crumbs on the table, making little designs. “I know what it’s like to have a Daddy who cuts people with words, who sits in judgment of others. And in some ways, I gotta thank you for getting me out from under his thumb. So…if you gotta go to Kansas to find happiness, I’m not gonna stand in your way.”

“Geez, Lureen, that’s a helluva lot more than I deserve.”

“Aww, hush, Jack. I haven’t been an angel in all this. I stood by all these years and let myself get lost in my work, basically turning a blind eye to how miserable we both were. I’d sit in front of my adding machine, punching in numbers, trying to convince myself that everything was okay as long as the numbers added up.” She shook her head. “But here in this home, nothing was adding up, and now I see why, because there was someone else in the equation. Wasn’t right for you to step out on me, true enough, though it seems to me if he came first you been stepping out on both of us all this time.”

At this, she gave him a pointed look, meant to shame him. But then she bit her lip then sighed, and her eyes softened up. “Still, I been standing by letting my Daddy cut you down, and taking some satisfaction from it, which wasn’t right. Letting my Daddy do and say things I wanted to, instead of speaking up for myself. Regardless of what was going on between us, Bobby shouldn’t have witnessed that. I never fought for you in front of our son, and I never fought to keep you in this marriage. Why should I fight you now?”

She looked up then and gave him a tentative look, the corners of her mouth trembling into an almost-smile. It made her look so much like the girl who dragged him into the backseat of her Daddy’s car so long ago, asking him if they were going too fast. He realized that he missed that girl, that she’d been his friend at one time, and maybe now he’d found her again.

“Reenie, hell, I don’t know what to say. I feel even more of a dumbass now because I been gearing up to talk to you about Kansas and all, but I thought you’d kick me to the curb faster’n you can spit and I thought I’d lose Bobby for sure. Although, that was only one of the reasons I was sticking around,” he confessed.

This time it was his turn to look down at the table, fiddling with his fork. “I’m sorry if this sounds insulting to you, but this is the only way I can describe what these past weeks have been like for me. I feel like a man sentenced to life imprisonment, serving out his sentence, but all of a sudden I’m told I’ve been pardoned and I can go free. So here I am, standing at the prison gates with the door wide open, and all I have to do is take one step to freedom. One step...and I can’t do it.” His hands clenched in frustration.

“Jack, what are you afraid of? You told me Ennis came down here and told you he wanted to make a go of things. He’s been writing you letters, calling you…what more do you want? Did something happen in Kansas?”

He nodded. “Yeah, umm, his sister walked in on me as I was stepping outta the shower.” He glanced up when Lureen gave a little squeak, her hand covering her mouth in surprise. “Ennis thought it would be funny to take the towel, so I’m hollering at him, dripping wet, and he’s coming out of the bedroom, and that’s when his sister flounces in through the front door.”

He heaved a deep sigh. “Of course, Ennis and I are stunned, so we’re both lookin’ at each other. And I saw this expression come over him, just for a minute, like he hated me, like he didn’t want me there, like his life would be so much easier if I wasn’t in it.” He caught Lureen’s eyes, wanting to explain. “I couldn’t take it, Reenie. Sure I seen that expression a thousand times from my Daddy, and your Daddy, too, and maybe even you a few times, but I wasn’t expecting it from him, not after I let myself believe we could be together permanent. So I lost it, didn’t give him a chance to explain, just blew outta there and left him eating my dust.”

Lureen leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms, scowling furiously. “Jack Twist I want you to stand up right now so I can pop you again!”

“What? You wanna punch me again? For what?”

“For being such a fool! You left Ennis because for a split second he was thinking thoughts any person would’ve had! For Pete’s sakes, I love Bobby, you know I do, but there are times I wish he was gone, just so I could have a moment’s peace. He’s messy and loud and rude and he complicates things! So what’s the big deal if Ennis didn’t want to explain to his sister why a naked man was dripping water all over his bathroom floor?”

“Because he’s never acknowledged me! Because I’m afraid that if I spend the rest of my life with him I will always be that shameful secret he doesn’t want anyone to know about, that he wants to magically go away whenever people get too close to figuring out what we are to each other!” Jack paused, emotion making his breathing ragged. “My Daddy tried to break me with insults and fists, and somehow I survived all that. But always in the back of my mind is his voice tellin’ me I’m worthless, that I’ll never amount to anything, and I can’t help the voice inside me that answers him, tellin’ him he’s right. He’s right!”

“No, Jack, no!” whispered Lureen urgently.

“I survived being thrown by bulls. I survived being so poor the only thing that kept my boots together was string from potato sacks. I survived being told again and again that the sweet life I always dreamed about was never gonna happen, never gonna happen. But if I give Ennis everything, and I fail at that too, there’s no surviving that.”

“Jack, you listen to me. Your Daddy is a liar! You are not worthless! You gonna let lies rule your life? Because the truth is you came up from a dry and lonely place with a smile so wide people can’t help but feel a little bit lighter when they see it. The truth is you was raised with fists but never once have I ever seen you raise your hand to me or your boy. The truth is you drag yourself back to your childhood home every year, knowing what’s there for you, because you know you’re the only light in your Mama’s life and you can’t leave her in darkness.

“That’s the truth, Jack, and if I know all this, imagine what Ennis knows? He’s known you longer’n anybody. He must’ve figured you out because he’s wanting to make a life with you, knowing what people will say, knowing what his own fears are.” She uncrossed her arms and tapped the table sharply. “You better be minding what I’m saying now, Jack, because if you don’t, I really will reach over and knock some sense into your fool head.”

Jack felt the weight that had been crushing down on him suddenly lift. It was like he’d been ground down under his Daddy’s boot all these years, squashed down with each turn of the heel, getting smaller and smaller, fading into the hard-packed earth. But Lureen’s words had released him, as if he was a rope that had been caught on a nail, and she’d given him that tug he needed to spring clear.

He looked at Lureen and wanted to laugh and cry and hug her all at the same time. Instead, he gave her that smile she’d alluded to. “Lureen Newsome Twist, if I wasn’t just about ready to divorce you, I’d ask you to marry me.”

She gave a sharp bark of laughter. “You blockhead. You’re just saying that because you don’t want a smack upside your head.”

“No, really, Lureen. No one’s ever said words like that to me. I mean, Ennis has tried, I think, but I been too caught up in gettin’ down on myself to really hear him. I hope, after all this, that you and me can be better friends than we were husband and wife.”

“I suppose that would be okay,” she shrugged, “as soon as I finish being mad at you.”

“What are you mad about, Mama?” came their son’s voice from the kitchen doorway.

Jack gazed at Lureen askance, not prepared for this discussion. She looked back at him calmly, giving him a reassuring nod.

“Well, your Daddy and I, we’re thinking things aren’t working out too well between us. And it can’t be too fun for you tiptoeing around us all the time.”

Bobby shook his head, taking a few steps forward. “No, Mama, it ain’t too bad, I can take it. Really,” he said hopefully.

Lureen patted the chair beside her and motioned for Bobby to sit down. “Now, son, you’re smart enough to know there’s just some things can’t be fixed. We love you a whole lot, and that’ll never change, but we think it’s better for all of us if me and Daddy split up.”

Bobby’s chin began to quiver. “No Mama,” he cried, “I don’t want you to.”

Jack put his arm around his boy, wishing there was some way he could spare his son this hurt. “Bobby, this ain’t your fault, we want you to know that. You’re a good son, the very best. But your Mama and I can’t be happy if we stay married, and we want you to live in a happy home, not one filled with angry, sad people.”

“Yeah, but how am I gonna be happy if you and Mama ain’t in the same place? My friend Larry’s folks gotta divorce and his Mama and Daddy are always fightin’ over where he goes for Christmas or his birthday. What if I wanna talk to you about something, something really important? I wanna knock on your door and see you right away, not call you on the phone!”

Lureen put a hand on Bobby’s arm, stroking it soothingly. “Your Daddy and I haven’t ironed out all the details, but we’re gonna do our best to be friends through all this so you don’t wind up pulled in two directions like your buddy Larry. We know this isn’t gonna be easy on you, on all of us, but just because me and your Daddy aren’t gonna be married anymore, doesn’t mean we’re not a family. I’m still your Mama, and your Daddy will always be your father, and you’ll always be our son. Nothing’s gonna change that. We’re still a family, just different from the way we used to be.”

Jack hugged his son tightly as Lureen rubbed Bobby’s back, both of them whispering words like “Hush” and “Alright, now” and “It’s okay.” He thought about how his Mama used to comfort him with the same words, how she used to rock him in her arms, careful not to jostle bruised limbs. He’d give his son that comfort now, and hoped that some day his boy would look back on this and know he was far from abandoned, that his parents had tried to give him a sense of belonging even though they no longer belonged to each other.

He leaned down and placed a kiss on his son’s head, a head currently bowed by grief that will probably take years to fade. After a brief hesitation he placed a kiss on Lureen’s head as well, knowing that they won’t always see eye to eye, but he was grateful for the unexpected friendship she’d given him when he’d desperately needed it. He vowed then never to look back on his marriage with regret, as wasted years empty of love. Instead he would look at what these years had given him, and recognize he’d needed the lessons of these years to unclip his wings, to leave the bars of his prison behind and fly triumphantly towards freedom…towards love.

<><><><><><><><><><><><>

Jack was dreaming. He knew it was a dream because the colours around him had taken on that sepia tone that reminded him of the old pictures his Mama had squirreled away in the attic.

He watched as two boys sat by a pond; they looked and acted like they were maybe nine years old, but it seemed the connection between them was older than their years. They dangled their feet in the water, jeans rolled up to their knees, swatting away flies that tried to get at their bologna and Cheez Whiz sandwiches. They chewed quietly, shoulders touching, the breeze ruffling the golden curls on one boy, and the thick dark locks that no amount of spit could keep down, on the other.

“Wanna get away from this place,” the dark-haired boy said, blue eyes looking down at the minnows that nibbled at his toes.

“I know it, but where will we go? Ain’t no place for us,” said the fair-haired boy, brown eyes troubled as he began to drop little bits of crust in the water for the fish to take, his own appetite gone.

“Sure there is. Gotta be some place for us.”

“My Daddy says…” the blonde boy began.

“We’ll go somewhere your Daddy’s voice can’t reach,” the brunette said, desperately.

The fair one appeared unconvinced, chewing on a hangnail. But then he sighed and leaned his head against the other boy, putting his arm around the dark boy’s shoulders.

“We’ll go somewhere your Daddy’s voice can’t reach, too,” whispered the blonde.

The dark haired boy spit on his hand and held it out. “Do you swear?” he said.

The fair one spit on his hand and shook his friend’s hand. “Jack, I swear.”

Jack woke from the dream slowly, his hand clutching the brown paper bag he’d started sleeping with ever since he came back from his visit with Ennis. He made an effort to loosen his hold on the bag, not wanting to tear the paper and expose what was inside. He supposed he could just go and get another bag, one that was unlined and perfectly crisp. But he liked how the paper crinkled like dry leaves when he held it, how wrinkles of time had softened the bag until it was buttery as leather, melding to its contents, carefully swaddling what was within.

In his mind he heard the boys in his dream making a vow and sealing it with spit and skin. The echo of the pledge resonated in him now, inviolate and unshakeable.

He reached into the bag and placed his hand on worn cotton, closed his eyes and whispered, “Ennis…I swear.”

TBC

Come share my loot bag!

2008-10-17T20:06:09Z

Hello all:

It was my birthday on Tuesday and as you know, from last year, I usually get incredibly spoiled by my slash sisters. This year was no exception. I received a lovely birthday card, which is what I'm using as my avatar for this post, but it's kind of too small to see, so here's a better look:

Also, my dear noreins came up with a little homage to The Package, with the original concept for this format from soulan 's excellent Behind the Scenes Drabble Series. I'll post that after the cut.

There's also another gift that I received, which will be shared with you once the Epilogue for Dance is posted. Speaking of which, the prenultimate chapter should be posted next week. I just finished Chapter 20 and will be firing it off to beta-land tonight, provided I don't fiddle with it too much.

Of course, I received many other birthday wishes and cards, thanks so much to all of you. I would share them with you but some of them - ahem Fizzy - were rather racy! Fancy that!

So here's Ennis' Diary. Hope you have as much fun with it as I did.

Excerpts from

Ennis Del Mar's

Diary

annotated by Jack Twist

Febry 14^th

Gotta notice sayin' I had a package ta pick up from the post office so went there on my way home from the ranch. Had no idea who it could be from. Never get anythin' in the mail, 'cept bills and postcards ¹. That damn woman was smilin' sweet at me when she handed it over, like she was waitin' for me to thank her or somethin'. Don't see why I should, it's my fu**in' package ². Damn near died when I saw who it was from. Couldn't wait till I got home t'open it, hadta rip the wrappin' off soon as I got in my truck ³. Laughed my ass off when I saw what it was. Jack fuckin' Twist, sendin' me a fuckin' heart shaped spud. Should be mad but...well... ⁴. Saw that Adele watchin' me through the window, still smilin'. Damn, but hers ain't the smile I wanna see right now ⁵.

__________

1 His postcards was the only mail I looked forward to gettin' too.
2 Ha ha. Yeah, that's my Ennis, never trustin' anyone's ~~intensh~~ intentions.
3 I had the same problem ev'ry time I met up with him.
4 Guess he'd heard the one 'bout don't get mad get even. Woulda loved to have seen him lookin' for odd shaped veg in Riverton.
5 Damn. I woulda gave anythin' to be there smilin' at him when he got the spud.

Febrary 23^rd

Packed some extra things in the truck for this trip. This early in the year I knew Jack’d be complainin’ ‘bout the damn cold so figgered I oughta do somethin’ nice for him ¹, since I didn’t have no potato to give him. Did have somethin’ else, though, somethin’ I found in the vegetable isle in Monroe’s shop, somethin’ that looked like...well...like somethin’ Jack liked a put in his mouth ². Was goin’ a give it him soon as we met up, but he was actin’ all pissy so went ta set up the tent instead ³, give him time to cool off. But he was still sulkin’ so fin’ly jus’ threw the carrot in the pot, asked him if it reminded him of anythin’. His eyes got all big and he got one a them evil grins on his face...then he bit the end offa the carrot ⁴. Christ, I swear I could feel it. But it wasn’t long ‘fore he had somethin’ else in his mouth. Thank god he never bit down then...seems he had other plans for that ⁵. Damn, but we was loud enough ta scare the fu**in’ wildlife.

__________

1 Coulda knocked me down with a feather when we fin’ly got in the tent and I seen all he’d done. Guess he was listenin’ all them times I bitched ‘bout the cold.

2 I surely did like putting that in my mouth. An’ I don’t mean the carrot.

3 Well how was I s’posed to know what he was up to? Man don’t never talk.

4 The look on his face when I did that was the funniest thing ever. Could see him fightin’ ta keep his hands away from his groin, wantin’ ta protect his dick.

5 You bet I did. Didn’t hear him complainin’ none, so I guess he musta had the same sorta thoughts himself.

Febrary 25^th

Jack was makin’ pancakes, goin’ on ‘bout how his are the best. He’s right, but ain’t no need ta tell him that...his head’s swollen enough as it is ¹. I’d brung some maple syrup for the pancakes an’ ended up tellin’ him ‘bout how my mama used a make candy in the snow with the syrup ². ‘Course I shoulda known he’d want a make some...he’s gotta real sweet tooth. I wasn’t sure, but when he told me he didn’t have no candy when he was a boy...well, I couldn’t really say no ³. But then the dumbass cut his tongue on the damn stuff an’ I hadta make it better. Still, ain’t nothin’ better than suckin’ his tongue like that...well, ‘cept maybe suckin’ something else ⁴. Felt real close ta him then, like he was inside me, joined by his blood. Made me ask for somethin’ I don’t normally ask for. He made it real good for me, although I ain’t never felt as sticky as I did after ⁵, with all that damn syrup all over me ⁶.

__________

1 Which head? One of them’s always swollen when he’s around.

2 He never talked about his mama much. Was real nice ta hear him talk ‘bout somethin’ so personal.

3 I didn’t know that’s why he went ahead and made the candy. Thought he just wanted a show off. That’s real sweet.

4 Ha! An’ I thought he hated doin’ that. Damn, if I’d a known...

5 He did come like a fu**in’ train.

6 Oh, right. With maple syrup.

Febry 27^th

Woke up before Jack but part of him was well ‘n’ truly awake. Wonder what he was dreamin’ ‘bout, ta get him that way ¹? Wonder if it was the same thing gets me up in the mornin’ ²? Wasn’t no need for me ta be dreamin’, though, since he was right there. Decided to give him a wake-up call an’ it didn’t take long ‘fore he was grabbin’ at my hair and moanin’ up a storm. Mighta gone off without any help, jus’ listenin’ ta him ³, but he had other ideas. Ain’t no better way ta greet the day than tastin’ him while slidin’ inta that hot, wet mouth a his ⁴. As usual he started talkin’ minute we was done, rabbitin’ about somethin’ called fondoo and dippin’ things in chocolate. Only one thing I wanna dip in chocolate but that ain’t the sorta thing you can do at a dinner party ⁵. Rest a the day passed too quick. Always does last day with him. Sayin’ goodbye was diff’rent this time, though. Jack got it in his fool head that somethin’ had changed ‘tween us ⁶, wantin’ me ta tell him what he is ta me. Couldn’t think what ta say (how could I tell him he’s ever’thin’? ⁷) so said he’s my Jack. Told him I meant what I wrote on his hand too, thought he wanted a hear that. But seemed ta make him mad, yellin’ at me ta prove it and shoutin’ somethin’ ‘bout dancin’ an’ movin’ in the same direction. I wish I could, but he’s gotta know by now I got two left feet ⁸.

__________

1 Same thing I been dreamin’ ‘bout ev’ry night since I was nineteen.

2 Up in the mornin’? Did Ennis just make a joke ‘bout sex?

3 I’d prob’ly have gone off myself watchin’ him come.

4 Christ. Is it gettin’ hot in here?

5 You’d have ta be careful the chocolate wasn’t too hot, neither.

6 I know he felt it too, but puttin’ feelin’s inta words always was hard for him.

7 Oh, Ennis. If he’d a said that, I’d a forgiven him ever’thin’.

8 Drivin’ away that time was ‘bout the hardest ever. Didn’t know if I would see him again, if he could find a way ta move towards me. Knew he wanted to, but mighta been that wasn’t enough. Wasn’t easy ta do, but it was worth it in the end, now he's fin'ly sorted his feet out.

The Dance - Chapter 19: Shine On

2008-10-03T19:03:58Z

Genre & Rating: Canon/AU, NC-17 for cussin.

Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Summary: This is the continuation of The Package, and takes place after Ennis and Alma's divorce. Ennis has moved to Kansas and is trying to find a way for him and Jack to be together. The road is bumpy and uneven but each small step brings both Jack and Ennis closer to the dance. Prior chapters are here .

Thanks: Once again to Elizabeth and Christine. They gave me invaluable advice and opinions on this chapter. Every chapter seems to build on the other and they're help so often propels me into the next.

A/N: This chapter takes place just around the end of January, maybe three weeks after Jack's visit to Kansas. The Mayaguez Incident was actually the last engagement the U.S. had in the Viet Nam War. This is based very loosely on the incident, and has been incredibly oversimplified. I have taken much creative licence in order to move Nick and Jesse's story along.

Also, there are two chapters left in this story, plus an Epilogue. There are snippets of the next two chapters already written, including the very last lines of dialogue in Chapter 21. Thank you all, once again, so much for being part of this journey.

The Dance - Chapter 19: Shine On

Shine On You Crazy Diamond (I-V)

Pink Floyd

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

<><><><>

He landed on the floor with a thump that was almost as loud as the thuds pounding on his door. He shook his head, completely disoriented, still too stunned to realize the hammering on his door was what startled him into falling off his couch in the first place.

“Ennis! Ennis, you in there? You and me, we gotta talk!” shouted the crazy man outside his door.

“Nick? Are you out of your fucking mind? I ain’t going out there,” Ennis yelled back. “Go sleep it off, you sonofabitch.”

“Who you callin’ a sonofabitch? You ain’t even met my mother!” Nick hollered.

“Yeah, well I have met you!” Ennis countered. He could tell from the way Nick was slurring his words that Nick probably hit the bottle right after supper. “Now get the hell outta here! It’s fuckin’ two o’clock in the morning, you dumbass! Go home!” He lay back down on the couch.

The pounding started up again, this time louder and with more force. No way could Nick’s fists be making that sound. What was he using? His feet? Or….

“Holy shit,” he muttered, thankful he’d fallen asleep in his jeans. He grabbed the shirt he’d been wearing at supper and tossed it on, buttoning it hurriedly and tucking it into his jeans as he rushed to the door.

His breath came out in a whoosh when he opened the door and looked into the barrel of a

shotgun.

“What the hell, Nick, you fucking crazy?”

“It ain’t loaded,” Nick said in that careful way drunk people have of speaking, enunciating every syllable precisely. The rifle swayed haphazardly, matching the swaying of the man that held it. “Janie hid the ammu—the ammu—she hid the bullets.”

“Well thank Christ for that. Why you wavin’ it around, poundin’ it on my door, then?”

Nick shrugged, a maniacal grin spread across his face. “Dunno. Makes me feel powerful. Feel like I’m back in the jungle.” Nick pointed the shotgun at Ennis’ middle, jabbing him gently. “Let’s go for a walk, soldier.”

Ennis immediately began to shake his head then stopped, wary of Nick’s suddenly serious tone.

“Where’re you wantin’ to go, Nick? What’s gotten into you?” he asked, concerned by the way Nick turned around sharply and began to walk away, sweeping the shotgun right and left as if he really was back in the jungles of ‘Nam. Although Nick’s eyes were open, they now appeared unfocused and he remembered Janie telling him Nick sometimes walked in his sleep. Maybe Nick wasn’t drunk after all.

“Shh, we gotta be real careful or Jesse will notice we’re missing,” Nick whispered, looking over his shoulder at Ennis but clearly seeing someone else. “If he catches us, we’re in the shits.”

Ennis hurried after Nick, who began to walk in double-time, loping across to the barn. He was confused at the way Nick had called his name out earlier, acting as if he knew where he was and who he was talking to. But in a blink of an eye Nick had changed into someone else, and he couldn’t tell if Nick was putting him on or if he actually believed he was back in ‘Nam. Either way, Ennis couldn’t let him wander off by himself or he’d wind up being admitted to the hospital with the rest of his poker buddies.

He was impressed when Nick opened the barn door silently, not even a single creak split the night. He’d barely walked in the door when he was pushed up against it, Nick’s mouth suddenly on his, hands roaming all over his body.

His reaction was immediate and emphatic. He pushed Nick away, fists clenched, and yelled, “Get away from me you crazy bastard!”

But Nick came back, grasping at him, trying to get close. “No, no, I been watching you all night. You sent me the signal, just like we talked about. C’mon man, I need you,” whispered Nick urgently, a crazed look in his eyes.

He continued to bat away at Nick’s hands, fighting to control his rage. He didn’t want to hurt this man he’d come to regard as a friend, but there was no fucking way he was gonna let himself be pawed at either. There was only one man he wanted to lay hands on him and that man was way the hell out in Texas.

“You better snap outta this Nick or I swear to God I’m gonna lay you out,” he warned, almost at his limit.

Nick lunged towards him and he quickly sidestepped out of the way, grabbing the shotgun from where Nick had dropped it. He pointed the muzzle at Nick, saying low and dark, “Stand down, soldier. It’s over.”

Ennis’ words acted like a bucket of water thrown suddenly at its unsuspecting victim. One minute Nick’s eyes were hazy, filled with lust, and the next minute they were clear, filling quickly with horror and self-recrimination.

“Ennis? What are you doing here…what have…what have I done?” Nick cried, falling to his knees.

He kept the shotgun trained on Nick’s head for a few seconds until his anger dissipated and he was left gazing down at a man who was sobbing as if he was being torn apart.

“I can’t keep it in no more, oh God, I see him all the time and it’s eating me alive,” Nick wept, clawing at his chest like he really did have parasites consuming him from the inside out.

Ennis kneeled down beside Nick, unsure of what to do because he was still smarting from what happened just minutes ago and was leery about getting too close “Nick, take it easy now. I don’t know what the hell is going on with you but if it helps you to let whatever it is out, you just go ahead and do it,” he said grudgingly, before adding, “As long as you don’t try to kiss me again. You pull that stunt one more time and I’m gone. Got me?”

“Is that what I did? Oh shit, I’m such a fuck up.” Nick buried his head in his hands. Ennis remembered the first time they met, Nick wanting to commit suicide with Ennis’ hands. Maybe this was the same thing. “Ennis, I’m real sorry, I wasn’t in my right mind, I swear. All I remember is sitting down with a bottle of Southern Comfort on the front porch, and I sorta recall marching around with Daddy’s shotgun, and then next thing I know we’re in the barn and you’re looking like you’re ready to skin me alive. I could tell from the look in your eyes I done something stupid and…goddammit,” Nick paused to take a few deep breaths, obviously trying to regain control. When his breathing was close to normal he wiped his eyes, head hanging low. “I need help…but I sure don’t deserve it.”

“Can’t get no help unless you talk about it.” Ennis sat down beside Nick, his back leaning against one of the stalls. A familiar nose chuffed just above his ear and he reached through the slats to give Brego a reassuring pat.

“Can’t talk about this.” Nick shuffled over until he was sitting beside Ennis, his back also against Brego’s stall.

“You know I ain’t one for talking but seems to me keeping inside whatever’s eating at you ain’t helping either.”

There was another long pause and he could almost hear the thoughts whirring around Nick’s head. He felt a pang of pity for this young man.

“It’s an ugly story, Ennis,” Nick warned.

“Life’s ugly sometimes, friend, that’s the truth.”

Nick took a deep breath, drawing circles and little squiggly lines on his knees as he began. “I went to war cause I was hoping it would make me be like other men. You know, whistling at the girls in the mini-skirts, ogling the feminists who were walkin’ around with no bras. But after a few days into my first tour I knew I’d made a huge mistake. Because there were men everywhere, all around me, and it just made me want…more.”

Ennis bit his lip, finally realizing why Nick knew he’d been checking out that man over at the Prancing Pony the first time they met; Nick had been doing the same thing. He recalled now the many times he’d glanced over and seen Nick looking away, almost too quickly, or how Nick was always careful, not looking the muscular male orderly at the hospital in the eye. He admitted now that he’d always suspected Nick was this way but was uncomfortable with the truth being handed to him on a silver platter.

“I was real careful, Ennis, didn’t look too long at nobody, kept to myself but still hung around with the guys so no one would think I was stuck up. Having Jesse around helped, people thought we were brothers the way we horsed around, and he helped me loosen up some. It wasn’t until we were back on our second tour when I met Ric – short for Federico – he was half-Mexican, I think. He was, oh God Ennis, he was beautiful.”

Ennis cleared his throat at that, felt himself drawing away from Nick. What him and Jack did, that was their business, but he sure as hell wasn’t prepared to hear Nick talking about another man this way.

“First time I saw him he about took my breath away…,” Nick began, but stopped when Ennis cleared his throat again. “Well, you get the point. I tried to stay away from him, but he seemed to pop up everywhere I looked. Drove me crazy. Then I noticed he’d give me a sideways look that was just a little too long, or his hand would brush up against mine while we’re walkin’, or I’d turn around and he’d be right there, right behind me. One night we were on night patrol and…it just happened.

“God, what a feeling, Ennis, can’t describe it. We’re in the stinking jungle, eating C-rats, dodging landmines and bullets, and I’d never felt more alive. I was hungry for him and we were fools thinking we could do what we were doing and not get caught.”

Ennis shook his head, watching Nick’s fingers as they went from tracing designs on his jeans, to picking at a small hole at his right knee, the hole becoming wider and wider.

“Of course, it was Jesse who found us, literally, with our pants down. He didn’t even have to say nothin’. Him puking his guts out within minutes of catchin’ us got the point across real good. For the next few days he just looked at me like I was dead to him, like it took everything he had not to smash my teeth in and feed them to me for lunch. I’d just about had enough of that, was fixing to have it out with him because the rest of the platoon was getting restless, sensing something was off, when we received our orders to pull out. The war was over.”

Nick’s fingers were now worrying the frayed edges on the tear in his jeans. Ennis watched as the threads began to unravel.

“Everyone was fucking ecstatic, they could go home to their mothers and wives and girlfriends and daughters. But what did I have to go home to? A life without Ric, that’s for sure, cause ain’t no way we could live open as a couple. No, what I had waitin’ for me in Kansas were hopeless days of living with a brother-in-law who could barely look at me without puking, and a sister who’d probably side with Jesse, regardless of how she felt. That ain’t no life.”

Nick shrugged, starting to pick at the skin peeking through the hole he’d created. Ennis wanted to stop him but knew Nick wouldn’t be satisfied until he drew blood.

“We were on our way home when we got word that an American container boat called the Mayaguez had been taken by the Khmer Rouge just off the coast of Cambodia. Our orders were to take the island of Koh Tang, where the Mayaguez was anchored. Everyone was angry as hell about going wheels up but I didn’t give a shit. Jesse wasn’t talkin’ to me and Ric had turned his back on me, knowing our time together was over. So when we hit the beach at Koh Tang I didn’t care anymore, live or die, it didn’t matter to me.” This last bit was delivered in a voice devoid of expression, Nick speaking as if by rote.

“We were on that shithole island for three days, Ennis, fighting off the Khmer Rouge. Then we got word that a fishing boat carrying the crew of the Mayaguez had just been picked up by our Navy and the crew had actually escaped before we even landed on the island. We’d been guarding an empty boat for three fucking days!” Nick muttered bitterly, now showing some emotion. “It got so confusing, what with everyone scrambling in the dark to evacuate, and just like that I made my decision. I figured this whole pointless exercise was a sign from God that I wasn’t meant to come home from this war. I’d just finished fighting one war and I just didn’t have it in me to fight another one back home.

“And things were working out my way, you know. I was on this three man machine gun team, protecting the right flank of the perimeter on the final evacuation. I already seen Ric go up, didn’t even say good-bye. It was about 2100, pitch black, easy enough to slip out during all the commotion. But then…Jesse…,” Nick’s breath hitched. “Jesse comes at me from outta the blue, yellin’ for me to double time it soldier cause you’re gettin’ on that chopper. And I’m sayin’ hell no! Hell no, Jesse!” Nick was yelling now, looking straight ahead as if watching his memories being projected on a giant screen. “And he’s saying, Nick Strider, I promised your sister I was gonna get your worthless hide home and I’m still man enough to do it even if you aren’t! And he pushes me towards the chopper and there’s hands dragging me and just like that he was gone, me yelling I hate you Jesse, why didn’t you just let me die!”

Nick finally closed his eyes, the movie he seemed to be playing in his head reaching the part where the screen said “The End.” His voice was flat when he said, “Those were the last things we ever said to each other. Him tellin’ me I wasn’t a man. Me tellin’ him I hated him. The extraction team lost radio contact with Jesse and the other guys on my gun team, Gary and Danny, when they were ordered to evacuate on the last helicopter. The team swept the beach a few times but couldn’t find them. So Jesse and Gary and Danny are officially listed MIA. But between the Khmer Rouge and the bomb we dropped on Koh Tang after evacuation, they’re as good as dead.”

“Dammit, Nick, you blamin’ yourself all this time for Jesse dying?” Ennis asked incredulously, breaking his silence.

“I keep playing it over and over in my head. Every night, sometimes during the day even. And I know it’s ain’t my fault that Jesse’s gone. But,” Nick agonized, “I know what was in my heart, Ennis. I know. I hated Jesse for knowing my secret. I hated that he was disgusted with me. I hated that he was going to tell Janie about what happened. I didn’t see how either of us could go back to our normal lives after ‘Nam, and that’s why I figured it was me that had to go. But when he shoved me at the chopper, I was so angry, I wanted it to be him, I wanted him gone.” Nick held his head like he was trying to squeeze poison out of it. “I can’t get past that, I can’t forgive myself for it.”

“So that’s it, then? You’re gonna let something that you thought of but didn’t act on destroy the rest of your life? What about Janie, huh? You think it’s fair for her to lose her husband and her brother in one year?”

“Don’t you get it, Ennis? I’m no kind of brother to her, so I’m already lost to her. It should have been me that got left behind, not Jesse.”

“No, Nick, there should have been nobody left behind. Nobody.” Ennis leaned into Nick, looking him in the eye. “You know who really got left behind in all this? Janie. She’s the one who stayed home while you and Jesse went off to war. She’s the one who kept this place going so you got someplace to come home to. And, right now, she’s the one who’s holding things together, trying to keep together whatever scrap of family she’s got left. Looks to me like Janie’s the one fighting your war, friend, so you better saddle up and own up to her about everything that went down in ‘Nam so she at least knows what she’s fighting against.”

Nick leaned forward also, his nostrils flaring. “What do you know about owning up to anything, huh? You think I don’t know why you’re gettin’ mail from this Jack Twist in Childress, Texas? You think, because I ain’t mentioned it since, that I don’t know who you were checkin’ out at the bar that night we first met? Cause it sure as hell wasn’t the lady with the big tits. You’re as queer as a three-dollar bill, friend, and I can guess what went on when your best buddy came to visit!”

He ignited like dry brush in August, rage shooting out of him so quick and hot he found immediate satisfaction when his fist cracked Nick’s jaw. He welcomed the jolt of fire that burst around his stomach when Nick retaliated with a swift punch to his middle; in seconds they were rolling around on the ground, fists and feet flying, fighting what was inside of them as much as each other.

It was the alarmed neighing of the horses that stopped them, their grunts fading as they came back into themselves.

Ennis wheezed as he struggled for breath. “You are one capital grade-A asshole, you little shit,” Ennis muttered, wiping blood from the corner of his mouth.

“Same goes,” grumbled Nick, both hands examining his chest like he was counting his ribs to make sure none of them were sticking out.

They continued to pant from exertion, knuckles skinned and clothes dusty from their bust up, feeling strangely like the emotions that had just boiled over between them had also cauterized something that had been festering for far too long.

“So,” Ennis gasped, “you gonna talk to Janie?”

Nick shrugged, taking big gulps of air. “You gonna make a go of it with Jack?”

Ennis waited for the wave of panic that usually assailed him at the thought of anyone knowing about him and Jack, but it didn’t come. Maybe it was because Missy knew about him and Jack and hadn’t turned away. Maybe it was because Nick was in the same boat as him. Maybe it was because he’d grown enough inside himself that he could widen the circle of people that knew this part of him, and he didn’t feel threatened by them. So he mirrored Nick’s shrug, wincing at the ache that travelled across his shoulders. “I don’t know, Nick. Jack and I…we got a few things to work out.”

“Well, you guys got a place here,” Nick said.

Ennis’ eyes widened in shock, “What do you mean? What about Janie?”

“If you guys need a place, and you want to stay here, I’ll talk to Janie. Truth is, we work with a few, you know, types like us on the movie sets and she never bats an eye about it. The way Janie’s talking about expanding the business, we could probably hire Jack on if he wants.”

Ennis shook his head, things were moving too fast. One minute Nick was baring his soul, the next minute they’re laying into each other like a couple of fishermen on the docks, and now Nick was offering him and Jack a place to live openly. He thought he’d gotten used to Jack’s mercurial moods but Nick had his man beat by a mile.

Nick must have sensed his confusion because Nick gave him a wry grin that didn’t quite meet his eyes. “Ennis, tonight you seen the ugliest part of me, and you didn’t turn away. Instead, you turned towards me and knocked some sense into me,” he gave a humorless laugh. “I know talkin’ to Janie won’t be easy but I’m startin to think the war is finally over for me.” This time Nick gave Ennis a shy smile, one that was genuine and heartfelt. “I owe you, Ennis.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Sure I do. Jesse saved my life when he pushed me towards the chopper, and it’s only just now I’m starting to feel some measure of gratitude for that. You saved my life, Ennis, just as much as Jesse did. And I am man enough to pay my debts.” Nick held his hand out and Ennis shook it solemnly. “I’ll work on Janie and you work on Jack. Hoo-rah.”

Ennis walked back to the cottage like a man with a mission. He thought about the look he’d given Jack when Missy walked in on them. He knew in that moment all his worst fears had surfaced: fear of discovery, fear of tire irons, fear of being exposed. He knew at that moment he hated Jack, blamed him, didn’t want him there. The hard part was Jack knew this, too, because he’d seen it.

Ennis squared his shoulders, telling himself he was not going to let his future be ruined by that moment, he was not going to let himself be left behind. That moment had come and gone so quickly, like a cloud passing over the sun, and he will not allow himself to be ruled by it. He had to make Jack understand.

He glanced out towards the pasture and noticed the first blush of dawn splintering its way over the horizon. The darkness was breaking.

TBC

The Dance - Chapter 18: Even In The Quietest Moments

2008-10-03T19:01:47Z

Genre & Rating: Canon/AU, NC-17 for cussin and gratuitous smex.

Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Summary: This is the continuation of The Package, and takes place after Ennis and Alma's divorce. Ennis has moved to Kansas and is trying to find a way for him and Jack to be together. The road is bumpy and uneven but each small step brings both Jack and Ennis closer to the dance. Prior chapters are here .

Thanks: To the beta-licious Wonder Twins, Elizabeth and Christine. Christine took time out from packing for the EJ meet in Brussells, and Elizabeth dragged her flu-bitten self out of bed to straighten me out. Tweaker that I am, I changed quite a few things, so all mistakes are my own damned fault.

A/N: I was ever so sad I couldn't participate in the Drabble Fest because I had way too much going on. So this chapter sort of appeases my drabble hunger and hopefully still moves the story along. I hope it's not too confusing, these little snapshots kind of take place in the weeks following Jack's visit to Kansas. This chapter is immediately followed by Chapter 19.

The Dance - Chapter 18: Even in the Quietest Moments

Even in the Quietest Moments

(Supertramp)

Even in the quietest moments
I wish I knew what I had to do
And even though the sun is shining
Well I feel the rain
Here it comes again, dear
And even when you showed me
My heart was out of tune
For there's a shadow of doubt that's not letting me find you too soon
The music that you gave me
The language of my soul
Oh Lord, I want to be with you.
Won't you let me come in from the cold?

Don't you let the sun fade away
Don't you let the sun fade away
Don't you let the sun be leaving
Won't you come to me soon

And even though the stars are listening
And the ocean's deep, I just go to sleep
And then I create a silent movie
You become the star, is that what you are, dear?
Your whisper tells a secret
Your laughter brings me joy
And a wonder of feeling I'm Nature's own little boy
But still the tears keep falling
They're raining from the sky
Well there's a lot of me got to go under before I get high

Don't you let the sun disappear
Don't you let the sun disappear
Don't you let the sun be leaving
No, you can't be leaving my life
Say that you won't be leaving my life
Say that you won't be leaving my life
Say won't you please, stay won't you please
Say won't you please, stay won't you please
Lord, won't you come and get into my life
Lord, won't you come and get into my life
Say won't you please, stay won't you please
Say won't you please, stay won't you please
Lord, don't go

And even when the song is over
Where have I been
Was it just a dream?
And though your door is always open
Where do I begin
May I please come in, dear?

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

He sat at his kitchen table, alone with an empty bottle of beer. Sliding the bottle back and forth between his hands like a bartender sending a brew to a customer. Every once in a while the bottle would slide fast across the table, almost going over the edge, but then he’d catch it at the last minute, stopping it from toppling off the table and crashing to the floor.

He was thinking of Jack, of course, as he usually did. Trying to figure out what he could have done different in that moment when Missy walked in the door. He should have kept his head down, should have made sure his eyes said something else before he looked up at Jack.

This time he wasn’t fast enough and the bottle fell to the floor but didn’t break. He picked it up and examined it curiously. How about that? Guess it was possible for stuff to fall off the ledge and not shatter to bits and pieces.

The shrill ring of the phone cut through the quiet of the night; he hurried to answer it.

“Hey, baby. How are you?”

He smiled softly, making sure there was not an ounce of regret in his voice. “Hey, yourself.”

He sat down and listened to his sister’s voice, her chatter going a long way to filling the empty hours ahead.

He ignored the secret wish that had bloomed briefly before being quickly extinguished: the wish that it was a deeper voice giving him the same greeting after a long and trying day.

<><><><><><><><><>

The radio was blaring that infernal disco music he complained about constantly but secretly wiggled to in his truck on the way to work.

“Can’t for the life of me figure out how you can do your homework with this racket assaulting your ears,” he muttered for form’s sake, mostly because it was expected of him.

“Aww, we been though this, Dad. It helps me concentrate.”

“Yeah, in the same way you need two bologna and Cheez Whiz sandwiches and a jug of milk before sitting down to do your homework every afternoon?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Right,” he said, ruffling Bobby’s hair on his way out to the living room to pack up the last of the Christmas decorations. How come it takes two days to put up all this stuff and three weeks to put it all away?

“Hey, Dad!” Bobby called out from the kitchen.

“Yeah?” he yelled out absently.

“We’re studying native animals in geography. In all your camping trips, you ever come across a bear?”

It was like an arrow piercing his heart. Quick and sharp, a sudden invasion that he barely felt before it bloomed instant pain.

“Uh, not me personally,” he called back, his vision blurring. His life faded away, like a scene change in a movie, and he was back in his before-life.

The dark night, the cold ashes, the air empty of the cooking smells that should have greeted him. He’d been angry, furious even. He’d come to rely on Ennis, come to believe Ennis’d be there to give him whatever semblance of home that could be found on this huge, black mass of mountain.

So he’d built up the fire and put on the water, cursing all the while, trying to stoke his anger to mask the worry that he’d been left alone after all by the caliper-legged man he’d hoped to call friend.

Then Ennis staggered in and all had been forgotten. All of it: the coldness, the empty, the doubt and insecurity. Gone…as soon as he saw Ennis drag himself into camp, head covered in blood, muttering about bears and dumbass mules.

It wasn’t too long after the Ennis and the bear incident that they’d switched. Seems he was better suited to keeping the home fires burning.

“Too bad. It would’ve been so cool if you’d come across one and you had to climb up a tree and stay up there all day while a huge bear with big teeth and sharp claws pawed at you!”

“Cool. Yeah,” he whispered. Unless you had someone depending on you. Then you’d do whatever you could to get away from that bear, dust yourself off, and drag yourself, broken and bleeding, back to camp.

<><><><><><><><><><><>

He gave up on watching TV and just stared out the window, his knee jiggling up and down, hands fiddling with Franny’s pencil case. It was the kind that had a little magnet instead of a catch; every time you closed it you heard a little click. So he opened and closed it again and again as he looked out the window, the little click strangely soothing.

He supposed he should feel uncomfortable, sitting here in his old apartment above the Laundromat, waiting for his ex-wife to come home while his girls slept. Alma’d worried about that, he could tell, when she put on her coat before heading out to the church social.

“I woulda taken them with me, Ennis, but I knew you were comin’ and all…”

“Alma, I told you on the phone, it’s okay.”

“Well if I had them with me I’d be comin’ home early anyways so they could get to bed at their usual bed time, what with tomorrow bein’ a school day…”

“Alma, there’s no need. You wanna stay and help with the clean-up, that’s fine.”

“But that’d mean you’d be waitin’ over an hour before…”

“Alma, you were always on me to go to one a these things and now you got a chance to go and you’re wastin’ your time bein’ a worry wart. Now go,” he ushered her out the door. “I’ll just sit here and watch TV, same as always.”

But after a heated game of Monopoly, many good-night kisses, and the familiar warning about bed bugs, nothing on the TV held his interest. He felt most at ease sitting in front of the window, looking out at the parking lot below, seeing a red ghost-truck pull up bold as you please, like a red “X” on a map announcing his final destination.

He almost burst out of his skin, way back in sixty-seven, seeing Jack come out of that truck. Pretty near busted out of his jeans just seeing the flash of blue in Jack’s eyes as he scanned the parking lot, looking for Ennis. He was out of his front door so fast, I’m here, I’m here, rushing to get to that big red X, his final destination on his map, the only one that mattered.

“You lookin’ out for Mama, Daddy?”

He glanced over at the doorway and saw Franny in her pink flannel nightgown, the ruffles at the bottom dragging on the ground. He’d bought the wrong size, this being his first time picking out Christmas gifts on his own, but she insisted she loved all the pretty unicorns along the hem and refused to let Alma shorten it.

“What’re you doin’ up, darlin’? Your Ma’d have my hide if she sees you outta bed.”

“I forgot to put my pencil case in my school bag.” Franny’s eyes looked down at Ennis’ hands. “Oh thanks, Daddy, you have it there.”

He handed the pencil case over, wanting to tuck his girl back in bed, but knowing she didn’t need that. So he settled for a quick hug, breathing in the scent of Johnson’s Baby Shampoo even though he knew she’d stop using that long ago, and it was just a ghost-smell that filled his senses.

He turned back towards the window, hands empty now, looking out for a red truck that wasn’t coming, his map once again unmarked, and took some small measure of comfort in his ghosts.

<><><><><><><><><>

He shut his front door emphatically, grateful to be home after a long day of selling and sweet talking and making money for a man he despised. He heard voices in the kitchen and that damn disco music again. Must be homework time. He debated over whether it was best to head up to his room and stare endlessly at the ceiling or to brave the kitchen and his wife and son. He had to go into the kitchen to get to his beer so he made his decision accordingly.

“Hey you two,” he said wearily, barely glancing at Bobby and Lureen before opening the fridge and grabbing a beer.

“Oh, Daddy! Great! Just in time.”

He sighed with resignation, but made sure his lips were quirked upwards when he turned around to face his son.

“Mama’s helping me work on my family tree but she doesn’t know Grandma and Grandpa Twist’s birthdates,” Bobby said, showing Jack the paper he was working on, an outline of a tree with sturdy branches and prominent roots penciled in. Jack’s brows furrowed, he could barely remember the information himself, but was able to answer Bobby’s questions, more or less.

As Bobby carefully printed the information Jack gave him, Jack glanced over his head to Lureen, giving her a brief smile. He motioned towards the fridge with his beer, asking silently if she wanted one. She shook her head no.

“So you and Grandpa Twist have the same first name, right?” Bobby asked, his finger tracing the line connecting Jack and John Sr. on the page. Jack shrugged, nodding yes. “So how come I ain’t named Jack, too? How come I gotta be called Robert?”

Jack bit his lip, shifting uncomfortably. How do you explain to your son that he was too beautiful, too special, too golden to have a name like John Twist? That he wanted so much more for his boy than to saddle him with a name that evoked memories of clenched fists and a menacing voice and the bitter taste of disappointment and failure.

“Well, son, we just thought it would be much too confusing to have so many people named John around,” answered Lureen quickly, giving a forced laugh. “After all, if Grandpa Twist was John, and your Daddy was Jack, what would we call you? Jackie? John-John? People’d think we were Democrats!”

“Even so, you still ended up with a Kennedy name,” Jack joked half-heartedly, to which Lureen responded with a weak chuckle.

Bobby’s face was the picture of confusion for a second before the boy’s eyes took on a determined glint and he squared his shoulders as if he’d just made a momentous decision.

“Well when I’m a Daddy I’m gonna make sure my kids have brother and sisters. Not like me, or you and Mama,” Bobby announced. He gave Jack a sunny smile before continuing. “And my eldest boy’s gonna be named Jack.”

His heart welled up, way down from deep in his chest until it came out of his eyes. He looked at Lureen and her eyes were glistening as well. He took a moment to clear his throat before responding. “That…that would be an honour, son, but you got a lot of living to do before making decisions like that,” Jack murmured, his hand reaching out and giving Bobby’s shoulder a warm squeeze.

“Ain’t gonna change my mind, Daddy. I think Jack’s a great name for my boy, don’t you think so Mama?”

Lureen’s eyes met Jack’s. “Yes, Bobby, I do. I surely do.”

Jack sat down between Bobby and Lureen, taking a green pencil crayon and colouring in the leaves on Bobby’s family tree while Bobby and Lureen worked on the trunk. Although he took comfort in how the green brought life to the paper, his hand itched to put a box beside his own name with a line connecting both boxes. His mind echoed with the name he wanted there; if it was up to him, he’d use permanent marker so that name could never be erased. Not ever.

<><><><><><><><><><><>

The usual banter went on around him, the clink of forks and plates, the quiet thump of glasses placed carefully back on the table after a drink. Somehow, without even knowing it, Janie and Nick had become part of his routine. Although he wasn’t expected to have supper with them, he still wound up at their kitchen table most nights.

Same goes for the Thursday poker games at the hospital. They didn’t have any riding classes on Thursdays so Janie spent it doing paperwork or working on movie stunts with the horses. For Nick and Ennis, Thursdays were spent going into town to pick up supplies then heading off to the hospital to play poker with the vets there.

He discovered he was a creature of habit; he’d always known he liked routine, but didn’t realize his routine could include people he’d only known for less than three months. He thought with regret about his girls and Alma in Riverton, wishing he’d managed this degree of openness earlier in life. He thought about Jack. And wished…well…a lot of things.

“So, what do you think, Ennis? Ennis?”

He snapped back into himself when he glanced up from his pork chops and found both Janie and Nick staring at him expectantly.

“Umm, whut?” he said blankly.

“You a million miles away again, Ennis? Thought for sure you’d be interested in this conversation, seein’ as we’re talkin’ about those precious horses you prefer spending more time with than people,” Janie chided, her expression teasing.

“Sorry, I just…” he trailed off, shrugging.

“Janie’s thinkin’ we could maybe run a riding camp for March Break, teach the kids how to care for the animals as well as teachin’ ‘em how to ride,” Nick filled Ennis in.

“Sounds good, could drum up business, for sure,” he answered thoughtfully.

“I guess it’s too soon for you and Alma to be talkin’ about what’s goin’ on with your girls that week but, you know, they’re welcome to spend some time here. You’d be working, but they could be part of the camp, too, if they want. Or helping out here at the house, making snacks for the campers,” Janie offered shyly.

Ennis’ eyes widened in surprise.

“I mean,” Janie said quickly, noticeably flustered. “I ain’t never met them and maybe they won’t want to spend time with me…I mean here. Plus you might not want…sure, you seen me with our riding students…but it’s different when it’s your own girls and…”

“I’ll talk to Alma,” he offered, pretending he didn’t see Janie’s beet-red cheeks.

She jumped up abruptly and grabbed the pineapple upside down cake off the counter then looked down at everyone’s full plates in consternation, so flustered she’d forgotten dinner had just been served ten minutes ago.

Nick carefully cleared a space on his plate and said, “Perfect. Pork chops and pineapple cake. My favourite.”

Ennis cleared a space as well, not looking up but saying a quick thank you when Janie spooned dessert along side his main course.

Later that night, he lay on his couch, still unable to sleep in his new bed because it felt too big, too empty. He stared up at the ceiling and thought about how easy it was to clear that space on his dinner pate. Just move a few things aside and there it was, an open space, ready to take whatever was being dished up. So many open spaces in his life now.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

His hand tightened on his cock, not too fast now, just slow and lazy. Wanted it to last. With his other hand he cupped his balls, groaning at how they tightened in anticipation. He spread his legs wider as he lubed his fingers, wanting it to be flesh that entered him. Wanting it to be Ennis, actually, but that wasn’t an option. He pushed two fingers in, squirming with the twin sensations of wetness bathing his fingers and fullness in his ass. But not full enough.

He began to pull on his cock again, the tip painting his abdomen with slick, inserting another finger, and biting his lip to keep from crying out. So good. He began to roll his hips between his hands, the one that stroked him from the outside and the one that stroked him from the inside. Picturing the heft and hew of Ennis’ cock, pretending it was Ennis that was fucking him, Ennis that was pounding his gland, Ennis that was grinding into him harder, faster, bigger, bolder. He heard Ennis’ moans, not his. He felt Ennis’ hands, not his. And it was Ennis he gave his orgasm to, taking his fingers out of his ass long enough to swirl them in the milky fluid on his groin before plunging them back into his hole, wanting Ennis’ wetness there. Give it to me Ennis, give it to me.

When he got ready for work he cleaned himself carefully, unwilling to wipe off the slick still inside him. All morning long he took pleasure in the wetness he felt sometimes as he walked, or the rawness that occasionally caused a twinge of discomfort.

After lunch, when he was walking across the combine lot, a pebble lodged in his shoe. He decided not to remove it, preferring, instead, to welcome the sting it caused. It gave him something to focus on, something to divert him from the constant ache, the inner cold that pierced him despite the warmth of his favourite parka. So he trod on the pebble and received the hurt it caused with gratitude, wondering if he would ever feel warm again.

Immediately followed by Chapter 19

The Dance - Chapter 17: Long Time Comin'

2008-09-12T04:42:22Z

Genre & Rating: Canon/AU, NC-17 for cussin only, despite the very slashy chapter title. Sorry.

Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.

Summary: This is the continuation of The Package, and takes place after Ennis and Alma's divorce. Ennis has moved to Kansas and is trying to find a way for him and Jack to be together. The road is bumpy and uneven but each small step brings both Jack and Ennis closer to the dance. Prior chapters are here .

Thanks: To my beta queens, the famous Elizabeth and the darling Christine. Thanks, as always. Of course, all mistakes are my own damned fault.

A/N: Thank you, once again, for your patience and support. I am fully recovered from my cold, I might get a promotion out of that project I did at work, and I'm still sporting my Mexican tan. Hoo-rah. I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but I hope you guys think it's okay. *crosses fingers* Poor Ennis. For a guy who don't talk much, he was sure starring in his own Dr. Phil segment in this chapter.

The Dance – Chapter 17: Long Time Coming

Long Time Gone

(CSNY)

It's been a long time comin'
It's goin' to be a long time gone.
Appears to be a long time,
Yes, a long, long, long time
Before the dawn.

Turn, turn any corner.
Hear, you must hear what the people say,
You know there's something that's goin' on here,
That surely, surely, surely won't stand the light of day.

And it appears to be a long,
Such a long, long, long time before the dawn.

Speak out, you got to speak out against
The madness, you got to speak your mind,
If you dare….

It's been a long time comin',
It's been a long time gone.
But you know, the darkest hour,
Is always just before the dawn.
And it appears to be a long time,
Such a long, long, long time before the dawn.

<><><><><><><>

He must have looked like a fool, standing there like a deer caught in the headlights, except the headlights were going the other way, away from this place, away from him. He was unsurprised by the emptiness he felt, cause Jack had crushed his insides like chalk under his heel and ground them to dust, leaving footprints that grew faint as Jack walked away. He didn’t even feel that gut-clenching nausea that usually overtook him. There was nothing inside him to throw up. Everything he had was gone from him now. Hell, he’d told him to go.

So he just stood there. Looking at the empty space where Jack’s truck had been. Glancing up at the road, hoping Jack’s truck was coming back. Wasn’t that what Jack usually did? Make things right? But then he remembered the time Jack reached out to him, open-handed, and been sucker punched by Ennis’ inability to bend. He didn’t know what had made Jack peel off outta there like a bat outta hell, but he knew what he’d done in the past to that man, and maybe he should be grateful no blood was shed this day.

But once the numbness and shock started to wear off, a surge of anger began to work its way through him as Jack’s accusations began to ring, once again, in his ears. What the hell did Jack want from him, anyhow? He was in Kansas, for fuck’s sake, sending letters written in green crayon, playing barn games and almost breaking his brand new bed. What else did he have to do to prove himself? He kicked at a rock in frustration. Well, if Jack Twist was going to be an asshole, to hell with him. Simple as that. And to top it all off, now he had to face his sister Missy, someone he hadn’t seen in ten years.

He squared his shoulders and marched back to the cottage with clenched fists, aware that he was in the mood to pick a fight and thinking, what the hell, maybe he could burn a few more bridges on this hellish day.

He walked into the cottage and found Missy immediately; she was standing in front of his girls’ drawings, with her back to him. Her spine was ramrod straight, her hands clenching and unclenching; if her long red hair could have stood on end, it surely would have from the indignation he felt radiating from her.

“These pictures drawn by your girls, Ennis?” Missy asked in a clipped voice, her tone overly polite.

“Umm, Jenny and Junior, yeah,” he answered belligerently, balancing on the balls of his feet.

“Your girls,” she whispered, moving closer to the drawings as if to study them more carefully. “Your girls,” she repeated, “whom I have never met.”

His anger abated slightly at that, replaced with a brief shot of contrition. “Yeah, uh,” he cleared his throat. “I guess I shoulda--“

Missy whipped around so quick, Ennis took a startled step back. “You guess? You guess?” Ennis groaned inwardly when he saw her hands clamp down on her hips, her eyes as fiery as her hair.

“Ennis Del Mar you gotta lotta nerve tellin’ me you guess you shoulda when you know damned well you had no cause shuttin' me outta your life, outta their lives! I shoulda been around to spoil them every Christmas with pink hair ribbons and Mary Janes and Nancy Drew books! I shoulda been passin' down Mama’s banana bread recipe--”

“What in the blue fuck are you goin’ on about, Missy? What do hair ribbons and banana bread gotta do with anything?” he protested, but Missy carried on as if he hadn’t said a word.

“All because you had a secret, didn’t you? When I was talkin' to you on the phone, I though it was just…I don’t know…time or distance or just the daily grind that kept you from gettin’ in touch with me. But now I see. Now I see!” she yelled, out of control furious. “You couldn’t say one little word about this over the phone, could you, Ennis? Oh no. I had to find out like this!” She shoved at him, hard, and it seemed to him by the way she clenched her fists she was thinking of punching him.

“Ten years I lost. Ten years, damn you, and for what Ennis? For that?” she shouted, pointing down the hall to the bathroom. “For him?”

He’d had about all he could stand. He could cuss out that fool-headed Jack all he wanted but there was no way he was gonna stand by and let anyone else do it, least of all his sister.

“Now see here. I know you’re my big sister and all and you gotta right to be upset. But for once in my life I got me a home. This place here, it don’t belong to Daddy and Mama. Or the bank. Or you, or K.E., or even Alma with her gingham check curtains. This here’s my place and I will not stand here and let you talk about my…my…”

“Spit it out, Ennis, cause that’s what you gave up your family for! Spit it out!” she goaded, getting up in his face.

“My…my…my guy!” he yelled. The words came out of his mouth in a rush and it seemed as if they hung in the air between them, gaining weight and substance in the thick silence that followed. He swallowed the lump in his throat, refusing to back down despite the look of complete and utter shock in Missy’s eyes. “I will not stand here and listen to my guy being disrespected in my home,” he whispered, his knees suddenly weak.

In a haze he watched with astonishment as the edges of Missy’s lips curled up, ever so slightly, her eyes softening and her lips trembling with emotion. She reached out tenderly with both hands and bookended his jaw, her thumbs wiping away tears he didn’t even know were there.

“Oh my Ennis. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t disrespecting him, or you. Damn my spitfire temper and how it short circuits my brain.” She leaned forward, getting in his face again but this time for another reason, looking deep in his eyes. “I was tryin' to tell you this secret wasn’t worth losing ten years over. You should have told me, baby. It wouldn’t have changed how much I loved you.”

At her words he finally let it all wash over him: the horror of Missy walking in on him and Jack, Jack’s sudden eruption, the hateful words they’d exchanged, the emptiness he felt as he watched Jack drive away, the fear he’d risen above when he finally admitted who and what Jack was to him. The floodgates opened and he collapsed into Missy, letting her arms come around him and anchor him as he was swept away by the storm of emotions that overtook him. He wept. He grieved. He surrendered.

“That’s it, Ennis, that’s it. Let it out, darlin’,” she whispered, her arms stroking his back soothingly, although he could feel the wetness of her tears against the nape of his neck. “You don’t gotta hold it all in no more.”

They held each other for a long time, Ennis talking brokenly about how him and Jack met up on Brokeback, their four years without each other, the meager few times a year they managed to slip away. He talked about Alma and the girls, and Lureen and Bobby, and how him and Jack been trying to do the right thing and feeling all wrong doing it. Eventually they made their way over to the couch, settling in as they used to, with his head sideways and facing outwards on Missy’s lap, her hands tangled in his curls.

“I thought for sure you’d turn your back on me if you knew,” Ennis said quietly. “Especially knowin’ how Daddy felt about…”

“Well Daddy was wrong about a lotta things,” Missy answered adamantly. “You gotta believe me, little brother. There’s nothing you can do that’ll make me stop loving you, that’s a fact. I worked my fingers to the bone after Mama and Daddy died to make sure we stayed together as a family. How can you even think somethin’ like this could split us up?”

“Missy, you know how the world works. You grew up with them tire irons, same as me.”

“That’s true. And I’ll admit I don’t understand how you come to be this way, or even know anyone else that is. But we’re blood, Ennis, and me turnin’ my back on you would be like tryin’ to suck out the blood flowin’ through my veins.” He felt a soft kiss on his forehead before she continued. “Although you gotta know K.E. would’ve had a different view on all this.”

He nodded, ignoring the sharp pang of loss that he felt at the thought of his only brother. “I know it.”

“He…well…he’d always been too quick to fight, too quick to lash out at what’s different. He’s been lost to me for years now, as I told you on the phone, don’t even know if he’s alive or dead. I don’t know when I started talkin’ about him in the past tense, when I finally accepted he was gone. But you…you I never gave up on. I just kept on hopin’. That’s why when you called…” This time it was her turn to sob quietly, her head coming to rest against his. He reached up and took one of her red curls and wrapped it around his finger.

“Shit, Missy, I’m sorry.”

“It’s just that…I tried so hard, you know? To keep us together. But when we were all old enough to go off on our own, we went our separate ways after all.” She sighed deeply then sat back up again, taking a shuddering breath. She gently moved his head so he could shift on to his back and look up at her.

“Ennis, you remember how I used to take your hand when K.E. was lookin’ to beat up on you? How we’d run into the tall grass and lie there until he went away?” She waited until he nodded. “I was the one taught you to hide, true enough, but it was wrong of you to hide this from me. To hide Jack.”

“I just…in the beginning it was because a what Daddy showed me and K.E that time he took us to the ditch. I couldn’t …I didn’t want to wind up like that,” Ennis admitted, fighting to get the words out. “But after a while, it was like…I could probably take it from K.E., him walkin’ away from me if he ever found out. But I just…couldn’t take it from you. Not you.”

Missy shook her head. “Honey, you look on the world as this scary place that’s gonna do you nothin’ but bad, and I guess you got cause to feel this way, but you gotta give people a chance to show you what’s in their minds, instead a makin’ up their minds for them.” She stroked his brow with her finger. “You don’t gotta live your life expectin’ everything to be taken away from you.”

“But…Mama…” he said, brokenly.

“Oh, Ennis,” she whispered sadly. “Mama didn’t wanna leave you. Not her bright, beautiful boy. You gotta know, deep in your heart, that’s the last thing she wanted to do. And I know it hurt you back then, and it hurts you now, that she’s gone no matter how badly she wanted to stay. But that don’t mean you gotta keep living your life alone, shoving people away because you think that's where they're headin' anyhow.”

“It’s too late.” Ennis cried, his anguish bubbling up again. “I already told Jack to go. I told him we were done.”

Missy shook her head again. “There you go again, putting your own thoughts in other people’s heads, like you’re your own judge and jury. Give it time, little brother. You been together so long, you think fifteen minutes a shoutin’ at each other’s gonna kill what you got? He may have walked away today but I don’t think he’s gonna stay away. And…” she grinned wickedly. “…seems to me your Jack’s worth waitin’ for.”

“Missy! Did you just…” he sputtered, shock momentarily superseding despair.

“Well don’t forget I got me an eyeful and your guy seems very…healthy,” she giggled.

He could feel the blush rising quick and hot on his cheeks. Never in a million years would he have thought to hear those words coming out of his sister’s mouth.

“And I’m glad you set me straight about this place bein’ your home and not another place to hide.” Missy gave him a quick kiss and a hug. “Welcome to the land of the living, Ennis Del Mar.”

He let the warmth of her hug soothe him for the time being. He still found it hard to grasp the idea that his sister knew about him, really knew, and she still loved him. These past few weeks he’d been trying to let parts of himself out slowly, making sure he gave different fragments to different people, just so they couldn’t piece him all together and figure out what he’d hidden for so long in a dark cave of his own making, carved out in shame and self-loathing. Because this thing he had with Jack was only a part of what he’d hidden away, the rest had to do with fear. Fear of being abandoned, fear of being exposed, fear of being hurt by those he loved best. But now, there was someone who finally knew, someone who’d fused all his parts together and seen him whole.

Well, maybe not whole. Not whole. Not whole...without Jack.

<><><><><><><><><>

The phone rang just after midnight. His hand hovered over the receiver for a split second before he picked it up.

“What are you still doing up?” he asked gruffly, plenty of annoyance in his tone. Missy’s encouraging words had calmed him down some but he was still plenty riled by the way he’d been left, high and dry.

“Same reason you’re still up, I reckon,” came the voice on the other end of the line. He had to fight against the quick jolt of relief and concern that came upon him. Jack sounded tired.

Instead, he remembered how Jack had found him guilty and convicted before he could even mount a defence. Ennis' anger welled up so he bit back the words that were coming hot to his lips, knowing they weren’t gonna make things any better. He figured Jack was probably doing the same; a strained silence stretched between them, as if the telephone line that connected them was snagged on a hook and the merest tug would cause it to snap.

When Jack finally did break the silence, Ennis was brought up hard, expecting harsh words but instead getting the kind of truth that cut deep.

“Ennis, you ever get so used to being beat down you don’t recognize good when it come to you? Like, you’re so full of fear you can’t trust happiness when you feel it?”

This time Ennis tasted blood from where he’d been biting his lip. He blinked his eyes furiously; he’d cried enough for one day. “Jack, goddammit,” was his only response.

“Ain’t that fucking pathetic, Ennis? I’m so used to having misery be the way of things, I don’t even feel comfortable until I’m sinking in it. How do we rise above a lifetime of that, huh? Ennis?” Jack’s voice was thick with emotion, his agony so palpable it reached out and grabbed Ennis by the throat.

Suddenly, Ennis was just as angry as before, not so much at Jack, but at this thing that was standing in his way but couldn’t be pinned down.

“I don’t know, Jack. I don’t know. All I know is if this is what led up to what happened today, we gotta find some way to fix it. You can’t be rushing off every time I don’t look at you the way you want, or talk to you fast enough. I mean you went off like a firecracker, Jack, what the fuck!”

“True enough, Ennis, and I’m man enough to admit I jumped the gun. But you sure as hell didn’t waste no time kicking me to the curb,” Jack countered acidly.

“You was already packed and on your way there!” he shouted with frustration. He took a deep breath, trying to rein in his temper.

It was clear their emotions were still too raw and they were heading nowhere fast. It was also clear this wasn’t the kind of conversation they should be having over the phone because neither of them were good with words at the best of times and it was obvious they were too far apart in more ways than geography.

“Jack, I think we should call it a night. You’ve had a long drive and I’ve been up since dawn. We’re tired and …upset…and we’re not gonna get anywhere carryin’ on like this.”

There was a brief pause before he heard Jack say, “Sure, Ennis, sure enough.” Now Jack sounded defeated.

Ennis hung his head, not knowing what else to do, because everything he said just came out wrong.

“Ennis can you…” Jack whispered, so soft he had to strain to hear it. “…can you…forgive me?”

Christ. Seems he was wrong about crying enough for one day cause he felt his eyes fill up yet again. For what popped into his head was a postcard he’d gotten one day after work, stuck in between some catalogues, the first sign of life in four years. Friend, this letter is long over due.

Forgiveness don’t come easy to a man used to hiding in the tall grass. But he knew he’d been forgiven far more often and for far worse things by the man now seeking his pardon. Still, years of reticence kept his answer short.

“Might,” he said, succinctly.

He heard the quick sob of relief from the other end of the line. Instantly, he felt small for being so grudging and abrupt.

“Thanks for calling, Jack. Letting me know you got home safe.” He paused, that exposed feeling hunching up his shoulders, wondering if he should say the rest. “I couldn’t sleep, worrying about you,” he admitted.

Jack cleared his throat. “I shoulda turned around and come back. I knew I’d made a mistake the minute I got back on the highway.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“Cause you told me we were done.”

Ennis leaned back and banged his head against the wall. Not enough to raise a bump, just enough to distract him from the pain in his chest.

“Fuck, Ennis, what in the hell was that?”

He ignored Jack, asking instead, “So, if you thought we were done… why’d you call?”

The answer came without hesitation. “Cause I’d hoped you’d pick up the phone.”

His thoughts circled back to another postcard. You bet. “Yeah,” Ennis breathed

Hope was a fragile thing, like a nose peeking out, tentative, checking to see if danger had been averted and the coast was clear. And he wasn’t used to feeling it, especially during troubled times like these, when harsh words had been exchanged. Yet, it seemed to him, he could see light around the edge of darkness; the dawn breaking at last. Been a long time coming. But it was coming; Ennis was finally allowing himself to believe it.

So he said a soft good-night to his guy and stopped himself from hoping tomorrow was a better day. Because today hadn’t turned out that bad, considering.

TBC.